


I Don't Wanna Fall Asleep

by Dont_Stop_Larry



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Betrayal of Trust, Depression, Doubt, Gay crisis, Harry is broken, Homophobia, I promise, Liam is the supportive one, Lots of Angst, Louis is just a mess, M/M, it does have a happy ending though, just a huge pile of angst angst angst, niall is an idiot, use of homophobic language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-20
Updated: 2017-08-20
Packaged: 2018-12-17 23:18:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 23,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11861706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dont_Stop_Larry/pseuds/Dont_Stop_Larry
Summary: AU where Harry has trouble sleeping unless he’s wrapped in Louis’ arms. Louis left him 4 years ago.





	I Don't Wanna Fall Asleep

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys, back again!
> 
> So this one is one that I've worked really really hard on, and I've always wanted to do a fic that people would talk about, so I hope this one is that for me. 
> 
> I got this idea from @WORLDLWT on Twitter, so huge shout out to her for having amazing AU ideas. I hope I did her idea justice with this story.
> 
> Thank you thank you thank you to my amazing beta/editor Missy (@happily_missy on AO3, @foolforjaan on Twitter). She did amazing work on this and she cried actual Larry tears more than once (and she's a hardened Ziam who doesn't really feel a lot of Larry, so I'm pretty proud of myself). She's amazing, I couldn't ask for better. Shout out to her.
> 
> I really hope you guys like this. It's going to be a roller coaster of emotions but I hope you guys can feel and live through the characters and understand the depth of this situation. 
> 
> Please leave comments/Kudos, they are much appreciated. 
> 
> You can reach me on my twitter @Dont_Stop_Larry if you have questions or other comments or you just want to yell at me.
> 
> Love you lots,
> 
> L xx

**_ Harry _ **

_“C’mon, Hazza, the bed’s cold without my human heater,” Louis complained, and Harry grinned, flopping onto the bed, and therefore on top of Louis._

_“Better?”_

_“You’re such an idiot …” Louis said in a muffled tone, still crushed under all of Harry’s lanky weight._

_“Yeah, but I’m your idiot … and you love me,” Harry sing-songed, and he could feel Louis grinning into his chest. He rolled off of his boyfriend and crawled under the covers, propping his head up on his hand to look down at Louis. In the moonlight seeping through the thin curtains, Louis looked like an angel, his brown hair getting long and falling into his face. His eyes, piercing blue even in the dim lighting. His cheekbones reflecting the light from the moon. His whole face was glowing, and that was all without the giant dopey smile that was making his lips curl up in the most beautiful way._

_“Yeah, I do, Hazza. I love you so much. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”_

_Harry heard his “Louis giggle” leave his mouth before he could even control himself, and he slapped a hand over his mouth, embarrassed. Even now, after almost two years of being with Louis, he was still so easily embarrassed in front of him. Louis lifted his delicate hand and dragged Harry’s own away from his mouth._

_“Don’t, baby. Love your laugh. All of your laughs,” Louis chuckled, leaning in to press a kiss to Harry’s lips. Harry hummed and cupped the back of Louis’ neck, pulling him deeper into their kiss. Their lips grazed each other lazily for a bit before Louis pulled away with a sigh, rolling onto his back and staring at the ceiling._

_“I can’t believe we’re doing this, Haz. Like, we’re really doing this.”_

_“Living in a new apartment, just us, you mean?” Harry asked, his eyes closed as sleep began to settle over him._

_“Mhmmm. Really big step for us, huh? We’re proper adults now,” Louis teased, tickling Harry’s side until Harry squirmed to get away from him, scrunching his nose fondly even though he hated being tickled. Harry opened his eyes and Louis turned on his side to face him. They were nose to nose now, and Harry snuck in a peck on Louis’ soft lips._

_“I want everything with you, Lou.”_

_Louis smiled softly, cupping Harry’s cheek and rubbing his thumb over Harry’s skin. Harry closed his eyes for a moment at the feeling. His love for Louis was overwhelming, all-consuming. He had never felt this way for anyone else, and he doubted he ever would. Louis was it for him._

_“Me too. But right now, we have to sleep. We have a lot of unpacking to do tomorrow, and Niall’s coming over at noon for a make shift house warming party. At least, that’s what he said.”_

_Harry laughed and nuzzled his nose into Louis’. “Yeah. Gotta sleep.” He leaned in and placed a lingering kiss on Louis’ lips. “Goodnight, Lou. Love you.”_

_Harry closed his eyes and felt Louis pull him closer to his chest. Louis’ lips brushed against his forehead, and as Harry fell asleep, Louis’ words resonated in his mind._

_“I love you too, Harry. Always …”_

 

                Harry awoke suddenly, his whole body covered in sweat and his heart pounding out of his chest. His head ached from god knows what, and when he tried to draw breath, he found that he couldn’t, and that his chest was tightening with every attempt. He didn’t remember falling asleep; it happened so rarely these days, but right now, his brain could only register one thing.

                “L-Louis …” he gasped out, his hand flying to his chest as he tried to get air. It was happening all over again.

                His door opened and light suddenly flooded the room. Harry shied away from it, curling into a tight ball among his sweaty sheets, his eyes screwed shut.

                “Harry, it’s alright, you’re alright.”

                “Louis … need Louis,” Harry whispered, and he felt strong arms wrap around him, but they weren’t the ones he wanted or needed.

                “Louis isn’t here, Harry. It’s me. It’s Liam. You’re ok, just try to breathe for me, yeah?”

                Harry tried, he really did, but he couldn’t catch his breath. He couldn’t stop shaking. He reached for Liam and curled into him, grabbing the front of his shirt in his fist, desperate for something to hang on to.

                “Harry, listen to my voice. You’re going to be ok, I promise.”

                Harry gripped Liam’s shirt tighter, taking deeper breaths. This was Liam. Not Louis, Liam. His roommate, Liam. Louis wasn’t here. Louis had left him years ago.

                With that realization, Harry broke down, the sobs tearing themselves from his throat as he soaked the front of Liam’s shirt in tears. Liam held onto him, his arms tightening around Harry as he tried to comfort him.

                “Harry … shhh, you’re alright. I’m here, I’ve got you.”

                Liam rubbed his back until Harry felt his tears subsiding, and he was able to open his eyes again. Liam was staring down at him with sad brown eyes, and Harry’s eyes filled with fresh tears.

                “M’sorry, Li,” he mumbled, pulling himself from Liam’s arms and sitting with his legs pulled to his chest. Liam shook his head, pulling a careful hand on Harry’s arm.

                “Don’t apologize, Haz. It’s been weeks since the last time. It’s getting much better. You’re getting better.”

                Harry wanted to believe Liam, he wanted to believe that he was finally moving on, but the pain still felt as fresh as the day it happened. If anything, it had intensified over the years, and Harry was very lucky that Liam had learned to adjust to his condition so easily, and having sisters had probably helped. Liam knew how to calm someone down, and he always helped Harry, even though Harry begged him not to worry, that he’d deal with this on his own. But he knew Liam wouldn’t leave until he agreed, so he shrugged his shoulders and pulled his damp sheets around him.

                Liam stood and slowly walked to Harry’s door, looking back as he reached the hallway. Harry nodded, and Liam gave him a half smile before flicking the light off and heading back down the hall to his own room. Harry leaned against his headboard, his body aching and his head pounding even more now. He was used to it, though. He hadn’t slept properly for nearly four years. Not since the love of his life, _his everything_ , his Louis, had left. And no matter how much Harry hurt, no matter how hard he cried and begged for Louis, Louis was never coming back.

~

                “C’mon, Haz, it will be fun! You haven’t been out in ages,” Liam’s voice reached Harry’s ears, but Harry cringed away from it. His head was still aching, probably from lack of sleep, as usual, and Liam’s words weren’t exactly comforting. Of course, usually after a night like he’d had, he was a bit withdrawn from everyone, just trying to force memories down.

                Harry hadn’t been on a night out for a long time. A year ago, he had gone on his first night out since what he referred to as ‘the incident’, unable to speak Louis’ name aloud at the time, and while out, Liam had just run to the bathroom. He wasn’t even gone a minute when a girl passed Harry, a girl bearing such a liking to Louis that he immediately panicked and ran from the bar. Ten minutes later he was drunk and completely lost, and the next thing he remembered, he was safely in bed, Liam asleep in a chair next to him. Harry loved being with his friends, especially Liam, whom he trusted with his life, but he didn’t want a repeat of last time.

                “I … I don’t know, Li. Would it just be us two?” Harry asked, nibbling on the toast he had been nursing for almost two hours. Lack of sleep equated to lack of appetite for some reason.

                “I mean, I wasn’t gonna invite anyone else. Just a lad’s night, yeah? You and me, what do you say?”

                Liam was staring at him with a puppy pleading look, which nearly always got Harry. Liam had these brown eyes, and when he paired them with a pout, it was almost impossible to say no to.

                “If you promise not to leave my side the entire time we’re there, no matter who asks you to dance or make out or whatever … then I’ll go with you.”

                Liam whooped and hugged Harry tightly and Harry spluttered, being crushed in Liam’s muscly arms. “You don’t even know how happy it makes me to hear you say that. You have a deal, Styles.”

                Harry smiled weakly and Liam let him go, brushing a hand through his hair in his excitement. Then he looked at his watch and his face paled.

                “Shit, I’m gonna be late for work! You have off today?”

                Harry nodded, eating a bit more of his toast. The piece was half gone now.

                Liam nodded, spun around once, and then ran for his room to get shoes and his phone and keys. Harry settled back in his seat, throwing the rest of his toast at the bin near the counter. He really wasn’t hungry anymore. He figured it would take him a good three hours to raid his closet for anything half decent to wear out, and after that, he might watch a movie and make some food for himself and Liam before going out.

                Liam skidded back into the kitchen his coat half on and his eyes wild but happy. He snagged his keys off the counter, came over to Harry, and kissed his forehead gently.

                “It’s going to be amazing, Haz. I promise. Nothing will go wrong. Just you and me, right?”

                Harry nodded again, and Liam grinned, sprinting out the front door and down the stairs to catch a taxi. Harry stood up and headed back to his room, feeling a mixture of emotions. He truly was excited to be going out. He really should be getting on with his life, and this was a big step towards that. But somehow, for some reason, Harry had a nervous feeling about it, and he couldn’t shake it.

~

                Despite his nerves growing worse all day, Harry had food on the table and was dressed for a night out – he was outfitted in his tightest black skinny jeans, a flowy red shirt with ruffles on the sleeves, and his classic boots. Liam walked in, took a deep breath, and then caught sight of Harry. He whistled, and Harry felt blush rising in his cheeks.

                “You look damn good, Haz. Like … I don’t know how you do it, honestly. If I put that on, I’d look like a right idiot, but you … you really can pull anything off, can’t you?”

                “So I’ve been told,” Harry said with a laugh. He felt much better than he had that morning, and was actually feeling a bit of excitement for the night, even with the nerves. “I made your favorite. Hopefully it will keep us both from being too hungover.”

                “Mmmmm, I thought I smelled enchiladas.” Liam dumped his bag on the floor, pulled off his tie, and slumped down in his chair, exhausted, as Harry nudged his plate towards him.

                Harry started on his food, and within moments, Liam was sitting up and inhaling his as well, almost startling Harry with how fast he ate.

                “Sorry, just, mmmh, this tastes so good, shit, I wanna get there early. So that we aren’t out too late, you know?” Liam said as Harry gave him a strange look, and Harry just rolled his eyes, starting to clean up from his cooking, even though he was only half finished with his food. Inwardly, he agreed with Liam. The sooner they were home, the less likely something was to go wrong.

                “I’m gonna get dressed and then we can go, yeah?” Liam called, and Harry nodded, forgetting that Liam couldn’t actually see him. A moment later, Liam’s hand was on his shoulder. “You are still ok with coming out with me, right? I don’t want to force you, I just want you to have a little fun, you deserve that.”

                Harry felt warm; Liam had been there for him for years, and through all of Harry’s breakdowns and anxiety and struggles, he hadn’t lost a bit of his kindness or consideration. He turned to Liam and smiled, a real smile that had Liam’s face lighting up as well.

                “Yeah, Li. I’m really excited. Get ready quick, I wanna go!”

                Liam grinned even wider and ran from the kitchen, tearing off his shirt as he went. Harry laughed to himself and went to the door to grab his coat. He hadn’t been out all day and wasn’t sure what the weather was like, but there was always a chance of rain where they lived.

                Liam emerged from his room a few minutes later, running a hand through his hair and tugging on his leather jacket.

                “Let’s go.”

~

                The club they went to was pretty crowded, but Harry stayed near the bar, nursing his drink. Liam stayed close, but he was drinking a lot more than Harry, and Harry could tell by the brightness in his eyes and the color in his cheeks that he was drunk, and well on his way to being absolutely pissed. Harry figured someone had to take him home, and he wasn’t too keen on getting drunk. Not this time, anyway.

                Liam stumbled towards him, grinning lazily and downing the rest of his beer in one. “C’mon, Haz, let’s dance.”

                “Liam, you’re drunk as fuck, I don’t want any broken toes … and I like my boots the way they are, thanks,” Harry said, shaking his head and trying to decline, but Liam wasn’t having it. Liam tugged on his arm, putting on his pout.

                “Pleeeeeaaaaaase? I’ll buy you a drink?” Liam’s words were slurring, but Harry couldn’t refuse him this. He stood up with a sigh and Liam giggled, finishing Harry’s drink before Harry could stop him.

                Harry let Liam drag him onto the dance floor and he moved his hips slightly, trying to keep up with Liam, who was going all out. Already, a small crowd was gathering to observe, and Harry did his best not to feel uncomfortable.

                Liam did a few exotic moves and stumbled into Harry, his face beaded with sweat and his cheeks slowly losing their color, and Harry knew something wasn’t right.

                “Haz, I think … fuck, gonna be sick …”

                Harry, without a second thought, put his arm around Liam’s shoulders and started maneuvering through the crowd to the back door, knowing Liam wouldn’t want to be embarrassed by throwing up in front of everyone out front. They banged their way through the back door just in time. Harry let Liam go and Liam doubled over, puking all over the cement and the wall of the bar. Harry wanted more than anything to be as far from Liam as possible, but as a good friend, he knew he had to be there for Liam, as Liam would be for him.

                Harry helped Liam kneel on the ground as Liam tried to breathe through his nose, more vomit dribbling from his mouth and hitting the ground with a sickening splatter. Harry rubbed his back gently.

                “You’re ok, Liam, get it all out, and then I’ll take you home, yeah?” Harry whispered softly, and Liam nodded, clutching his stomach as another wave came up. Harry wrinkled his nose but stayed close, trying to help Liam in any way that he could.

                The back door opened and someone dragged a trash bag out – Harry could hear the bag dragging on the ground, but he didn’t look up, too focused on Liam, who was wiping his mouth and groaning, seemingly having finished emptying his stomach. Harry was just about to help him up when a voice echoed in the alley they were in.

                “Hey, is he alright? I can call a car for you if you’d like.”

                Harry froze where he stood, feeling all of the color drain from his face. He knew that voice better than anyone else’s, but he hadn’t heard it since …

                “No, seriously, let me get you some … Harry?”

                Harry willed himself not to look up, but he couldn’t help it … he had to be sure. His gaze slid up the slightly stocky man before him, and the moment his eyes alighted on his face, he knew he was fucked. Staring back at him was a pair of bright blue eyes, bluer than anything, and though the face was more angular and covered in a soft dusting of scruff, Harry wouldn’t forget that face. Not ever.

                “L-Lou …” Harry tried to say his name, he did, but he couldn’t get the words out. He felt like he was losing the ability to speak and breathe at the same time. Louis’ eyes flicked from Harry’s face to Liam’s in almost a silent exchange, one that Harry barely even registered because he felt like he was about to be sick. Liam, who was still kneeling next to him, put a hand on his shoulder. Harry felt the weight of his hand, but he couldn’t tear his eyes away from Louis’ face.

                “Harry … what’s going on?” Liam asked quietly, but Harry couldn’t. He couldn’t do this. His chest was already tightening as he stumbled to his feet and backed away from Louis, terrified. Louis looked concerned, and made to move towards Harry, but Harry had enough sense to put up a hand, and Louis stopped at once.

                “ _Don’t_ …” Harry gasped, and Liam was at his side at once, wrapping his strong arms around him from behind and trying to hold him securely. Louis gave them both one last confused and sad look before heading back into the club.

                Harry collapsed into Liam’s arms, feeling almost as sick as Liam must have felt moments before. Liam held him upright, trying to speak to him, but all Harry could manage was a weak, “Need to leave …”.

                Liam wasted no time in leading Harry down the alley and out onto the main street. Harry felt like the world was spinning. Everything around him was blurry, and he vaguely remembered that he was supposed to be taking care of Liam, not the other way around, but he couldn’t focus on anything other than Louis’ piercing blue gaze in that alley … a gaze and a face he hadn’t seen in almost four years, other than in dreams.

                Harry knew that their apartment wasn’t too far from the club, but it still felt like it took forever to get home. He was just blindly letting himself be led by Liam, which, in Liam’s state, probably wasn’t the best idea, but he had no one else to trust.

                Harry heard a key in a lock and then smelled the familiar fragrance of vanilla candles … they were home. He felt tile beneath his boots and then he was on their couch, and Liam was pulling a blanket over him. Only then did Harry realize that he was shivering.

                “Harry, can you hear me? You alright?” Liam asked, his face coming into Harry’s unfocused vision. Harry nodded, but he was lying, and Liam knew it. Sometimes, Harry just ended up in this headspace of sorts, unable to properly communicate. It had happened a lot when Louis had first left, when he just couldn’t figure out what had happened and spent most of his time trying to figure out what he could have done wrong. But it hadn’t happened for a long time, and Harry realized just how terrified he was. He reached blindly for Liam, and felt Liam’s hand wrap around his. He had an anchor. Liam was whispering words to him, trying to bring him back to reality, but Louis’ face kept swimming before his eyes, distorted and yet clearly visible.

                “Harry, if you can hear me, I need you to tell me what just happened. I need to know, ok? I’ve never seen you like that. Can you tell me?”

                Harry shook his head, his bottom lip trembling, and Liam shushed him, pulling him into his arms.

                “Hey, it’s alright, you’re safe. You don’t have to tell me just yet if you don’t-”

                “Louis. It was … Louis.”

                Harry was shocked the words had even come out of his mouth properly, but he knew Liam had understood him, because Liam’s grip went rigid for a split second in surprise.

                “Haz … are you sure?” Liam asked, sounding concerned, and Harry could only nod.

                “Louis …” Harry repeated, whimpering as his chest tightened with pain, and he curled himself into Liam. Liam let out a sigh and held Harry close, and Harry just let Liam stay with him until he fell into a half-asleep stupor.

~

                Harry jerked awake at the sound of a door closing. He had always been a light sleeper, and for a long time after Louis had left, any door closing was almost guaranteed to trigger him. He pressed his face into the couch cushions, wishing he could fall back to sleep, but he knew it was no good. Then, through the silence, he heard hushed whispers.

                “Niall, for fuck’s sake, why didn’t you tell me?”

                It was Liam’s voice, and Harry opened his eyes, rubbing at them and feeling the dry, tear-stained skin underneath his fingers. He hadn’t seen Niall in a while, and he should have been happy to see him, but Niall’s next words made his throat constrict.

                “I thought it would be best if you didn’t know … didn’t need Harry finding out …” Niall’s voice hissed back, and Harry’s brow furrowed as he burrowed deeper under his lone blanket. What were they talking about? And why was Niall here at this time of night? Or was it morning?

                “But … I made friends with him. He’s one of the best bartenders in town! If I had known …”

                “I didn’t think it was for me to tell. And I didn’t want it getting back to Haz that he was back … I didn’t think it would be good for either of them, though Louis begged me enough times that I almost caved.”

                Niall’s voice sounded strained and sad, and Harry, upon hearing Louis’ name, felt the familiar tightening of his chest that came with any mention of him.

                “You talked to Louis about this?”

                Liam almost sounded angry, and Harry strained his ears, listening as Niall dropped his voice even lower.

                “I … when he came back, after the incident, the first person he called was me. He wanted to talk, set things straight between us, and I … I went. I didn’t tell Harry, I didn’t think it would be good for him to know how close Louis was that soon after.”

                “And you didn’t think to mention to me that the Louis I made friends with at my favorite bar was the Louis that did _this_ to Harry?”

                Niall sighed and Harry felt his throat close as memories of a night a long time ago fought their way to the surface of his mind …

 

                _“Haz, you’re here!” Niall called as Harry entered the tiny café, waving him over to a table. Harry could see the back of a head, someone he had never met before, and his heart jumped. This was it. The moment Niall had been leading up to all week … Harry was about to meet Niall’s childhood best friend._

_Niall had been raving about Louis Tomlinson for years; Louis cropped up in almost every story Niall ever told about his early years of secondary school, and finally, Harry had cracked and agreed to meet him. Of course, Niall had insisted on doing it in his favorite café, and Harry had thought it a good idea at the time, but now he was more nervous than he’d ever been._

_He reached the table and hugged Niall, and then they both turned to face the other boy at the table. Louis stood to greet him and Harry froze where he stood, staring like an idiot._

_Niall had always described Louis to Harry as small but scrappy, a little rough around the edges sometimes, but as Harry looked into the beautiful blue eyes of the boy standing before him, he knew at that very moment that he was something special._

_Louis was small, as Niall had said, but he was small in a compact way. His striped shirt was stretched across his shoulders tightly, only bunching a little around his tiny, soft looking tummy, and his blue trousers were tight to his legs, accentuating his curves and nearly making Harry’s mouth water. Louis was staring too, his eyes raking all over Harry’s face, and Harry didn’t move until a nudge in the back from Niall propelled him forward a few steps, and he stumbled quite awkwardly, almost falling into a handshake._

_“H-hi, m’Harry. Harry Styles. Nice to meet you.”_

_Harry was aware of how formal his voice sounded, but he couldn’t help it … Louis was just so pretty, he took Harry’s breath away._

_Louis blinked and shook Harry’s hand slowly, his eyelashes brushing his slightly pink cheeks and a smile appearing. Harry’s heart thudded madly in his chest at that smile._

_“I’m Louis, but I’m sure you already know that, yeah?”_

_Harry swallowed hard, praying that his hand wasn’t as sweaty as it felt, still clasped in Louis’ slightly smaller hand. Harry held Louis’ gaze for a moment more before Niall cleared his throat rather obviously, and they both let go. Harry knew he was blushing, so he just sat down at the table across from Louis, and Niall started talking, getting the basic information about how he had met both of them out of the way. But Harry wasn’t listening to a word he said. He was staring unabashedly at Louis, who was looking down at the table, a smile still playing at his lips. He looked up through his eyelashes at Harry, and Harry felt something stir deep in his chest … it almost felt like magic …_

 

Harry shuddered as he surfaced from the memory, feeling a few tears on his already tear-stained cheeks. Niall had been so sure that he and Louis would get on, and they did, much more so than Niall expected. In the beginning, Harry had felt kind of bad for basically stealing Louis away from Niall, but Niall hadn’t seen it that way. He saw his best friend in love with his other best friend, and that was all he could have ever hoped for, or so he had told Harry and Louis so when they’d announced that they were dating.

But he couldn’t think of Louis like that, it made his heart ache. He took a deep breath and stood up, walking slowly towards the kitchen, the better to hear what they were saying. If he was hearing correctly, Liam had known Louis for a while, even if he hadn’t known Louis’ true identity … and Louis had been back longer than Harry could have or would have guessed. And neither of them had mentioned it to him.

                “I figured I’d tell him when he got better,” Niall reasoned, and it was Liam’s turn to sigh.

                “You didn’t see him last night, Ni. Harry turned a color of white I didn’t even know existed. He nearly passed out in that alley, and I had no fucking clue. Sobered me up right quick, though. If I’d known, I never would have taken him to that bar.”

                Harry felt an unexplainable anger stirring inside his chest as Niall and Liam continued to bicker back and forth; the fact that Niall had talked to Louis, had spent time with him, and done it all behind Harry’s back? After what Louis had done? He couldn’t stand the thought of it. He walked into the kitchen, his fists clenched, and Niall and Liam both turned to him, their conversation stopping at once.

                “Harry, you’re awake.” Liam looked startled, like he hoped Harry hadn’t heard what he and Niall had just been talking about. “Do you want some tea?” Liam asked, but Harry shook his head, the anger growing stronger on top of the pain that was tearing him apart from the inside out.

                “You guys do know I can take care of myself, right? You don’t have to protect me from anything.”

                Harry heard the coldness of his own voice and was surprised at himself, but the words were already out of his mouth, and he knew that he meant them.

                Niall and Liam stared at him, seemingly at a loss for words, and Harry knew he probably sounded completely ungrateful and unappreciative of all the time both of them had spent helping him through panic attacks and taking care of him when he couldn’t even muster the strength to get out of bed, but his anger had the better of him now.

                “Of course we know that, Haz, I just thought …” Niall began, but Harry, feeling another surge of emotion – he was unsure if it was the anger or the pain speaking this time – cut him off.

                “I know what you thought. You thought that it would be a great idea to just make up with Louis behind my back. You’ve probably been having a right laugh with him about how pathetically broken I am. Guess I shouldn’t be surprised, you were always close with him. But either way, you had no right to keep this from me.”

                Harry felt the knot in his throat return, but he was determined not to cry over this. He had done enough crying over Louis to last him a lifetime. Liam took a step forward, as though to reach for Harry’s arm, but Harry flinched away from him and turned again to Niall.

                “It’s been four years, Niall. Four. And you’re telling me that for about three of those years, you’ve been lying to me?”

                “Harry, I didn’t mean-”

                “Haz, listen to me.” Liam stepped forward again, and Harry snapped his gaze onto his roommate, still feeling angry and on the verge of tears. Liam opened his mouth and closed it again, apparently taking back whatever he had wanted to say.

                Niall gave Liam a strange look, but Harry didn’t even bother trying to think about what that meant. He glared at both of them, feeling so angry that he thought he might explode. He felt the heat of his anger boiling in every part of his body. His bottom lip trembled as he felt the weight of four years’ worth of pain and lies dropping onto his shoulders once more, and he turned away, leaving the kitchen as quickly as he could.

                He heard them call after him, but he just made his way to the couch and curled back up under his blanket, hot tears leaking from his eyes and soaking into the pillow under him. He wanted to be back in there screaming at Niall for just blindly believing Louis without asking him about it first, he wanted to berate Liam for treating him like fine china when, in reality, he wasn’t at all, he wanted to be strong … but he couldn’t be. Louis had taken that strength with him when he’d left.

                Harry had spent a majority of the last four years trying to forget. And right when he’d be _almost_ better, _almost_ having a good day, some small thing would ruin it. A flower or a scent would remind him of Louis, and he’d be right back where he started, in the crippling darkness that came with the rejection of his only love. And on those days, Liam, or sometimes Niall, would be there for him, comforting him or helping him eat or just holding him until the pain became bearable once more. And yet they had both been interacting with the source of his pain right in front of him, and he hadn’t even noticed. He felt like a complete idiot, weak and not important and just stupid.

                Harry gripped the blanket tightly and bit down on his hand, trying not to let his sobs become audible, but he couldn’t stop his body from convulsing as he tried to hold it in. All he wanted was for the pain to go away.

~

                Harry didn’t move from the couch all day. He didn’t think he could. His whole body was aching and no matter how hard he tried to get some rest, the image of Louis flashed before his closed eyes and he started panicking again.

                Liam had stayed home from work and was just sitting next to Harry, not saying anything. But right now, Harry needed him to say something, anything that would curb the confusion and anger he felt towards the whole situation. And he didn’t want any explanation from Liam for his behavior either. He didn’t think he could talk about Louis right now.

                “Am I wrong?” he asked finally, his voice cracking, and Liam looked up, seemingly relieved to hear him talking.

                “Wrong about what, Haz?” Liam asked in return, turning down the movie he was watching.

                “For being mad at Niall,” Harry said slowly, and he expected Liam to is consider it, but his answer came almost immediately.

                “No. No, of course you’re not wrong. I’m mad at him too! He should have told you. I don’t know what the fuck he was thinking, not talking to you about this.” Liam bit his lip, his hands twisting in his lap, and Harry braced himself for what Liam was about to say. “But I think he did it, not only for you and your health, but to save his own skin? He wasn’t in a good position, and I know that’s not an excuse, but people do stupid things when they’re cornered, and I think that’s what happened with Niall. I’m not condoning it, but I’m just … I’m trying to understand why he would treat you like that.”

                Harry nodded once, his eyes drooping with exhaustion. He tried to stand up, suddenly thirsty, but he almost collapsed, and Liam steadied him quickly, helping him lay back down.

                “You’re dehydrated and tired, H. Let me make you some food and get you some water. I’ll be right back, alright? I’m not going anywhere, I promise.”

                Liam rubbed his arm once and then headed for the kitchen. Harry lay there, feeling sick and exhausted and not at all hungry, but he didn’t want to refuse Liam, who was being so kind to him.

                There was a knock on the door and the noises from the kitchen stopped as Liam went to answer the door. There was a bit of an annoyed conversation and then the door closed. Maybe whoever it was had left.

                But then, as Harry had almost feared, Niall came into the room, Liam following him closely, and sat down on the end of the couch at Harry’s feet. Niall looked sad and a bit put out – maybe Liam had said something to him, or maybe it had been Harry’s own words from the day before – and Harry felt a moment of savage pleasure in the fact that Niall seemed to regret his behavior from the night before, and from the last three years. Harry moved his feet away from Niall, not really wanting to be in a position where Niall could touch him. Just the thought made him feel sick again.

                They sat in silence in the semi darkness, Liam’s glare piercing from across the room. Harry didn’t know what time it was, but he knew it had to be later in the evening. His stomach felt empty, but his hunger wasn’t there. Harry glanced over at Niall and looked away quickly, feeling tears building behind his eyes as his anger rose. He wasn’t even quite sure what to feel, because now he was questioning everything … had he really been overreacting this whole time? He rocked himself back and forth, trying to fend off the feeling of utter betrayal.

                “Why did you talk to him?” Harry asked, his voice low and rough, and Niall flinched, looking over at Harry’s crumpled form next to him. He took a moment before he opened his mouth, seeming to be thinking hard about his answer. Harry was surprised that words had come out of his mouth at all, but he couldn’t take them now, and he prepared himself for the worst.

                “Honestly? I don’t know why I did it. Maybe it was all those years we were close that prompted me to give him a chance. Maybe I just missed him. Maybe I intended to go to that meeting and beat the shit out of him, because believe me, I wanted to. But I got there and I saw him, I saw the look on his face, and my resolve just … broke.”

                Harry bit the inside of his cheek, trying not to yell. Liam, on the other hand, had no trouble voicing his anger.

                “Well, that’s a pretty fucking terrible reason, don’t you think?”

                Niall winced at Liam’s words, looking from Liam to Harry almost in fear.

                Harry’s anger rose. “What did he say to you that made you believe him?”

                “Haz, I … he was my best mate. I wanted to believe anything he said. But I went into that meeting expecting him to tell me some bullshit story, and instead, he told me the truth. All of it.” Niall went to reach for Harry, to comfort him with a touch, but Harry curled tighter against himself, shying as far away from Niall as he could. Niall pulled his hand back, looking sad. “He … told me about the break-up. He told me where he had been afterwards, and he told me why he came back. And after everything that had happened, I just wanted to stop being so angry all the time. I didn’t agree with half of what he said, and I told him as much. I told him it sounded like a load of shit, but I heard him out anyway. And I couldn’t just … Harry, I know I fucked up, I should have told you the moment he called me, but I need you to understand why I did it. I did it because I thought, maybe, after you had recovered from all this, that things might be ok again.”

                “And you thought that Harry would just magically forgive you for lying to Harry, and to me, in a way, and going behind Harry’s back, not just for a night, but for three fucking years? Wow, great fucking job, Niall.” Liam’s voice cut through the tension in the room, and Niall had the decency to look ashamed. Harry swallowed hard, trying to come up with something to say.

                “This kind of pain … what he said …” Harry choked on his words, trying as hard as he could to force down the memories and the tears building behind his eyes. “It doesn’t just go away. It never goes away, no matter how hard I try to act like it never happened. I hear his name and my heart breaks all over again. I could never just … I don’t know if I could face him.”

                “And you don’t have to, Haz. I realize now that my fantasy for a friendship restored between the three of us is unlikely to ever happen. But I’m not here to convince you to forgive Louis. What he did to you was … bad, it was really bad, but he’s trying.”

                Harry scowled, but he shot a look at Niall to make sure that Niall knew he’d listened, even if he wasn’t about to forgive him in any capacity. He felt a white hot rage building in his chest, and before he knew it, he was yelling.

                “Fucking hell, Niall, I’m just so … I’m so angry! I don’t even know what to say, but you clearly didn’t care enough to ask me what actually happened, and you just blindly trusted the person that turned me into this fucking shell of a human being. I thought we were better friends. I thought I could actually trust you, but all you’ve done is prove me wrong and I’m done.”

                Harry was breathing hard, tears streaming down his face as he tried to reign back his anger, but just looking at Niall was enough to make him want to just scream and punch something.

                Niall and Liam were both silent, and Niall was staring at the floor, his lips pressed together.

                “Well, now that it’s clear to you how much of a fucking twat you’ve been, I’m going to make breakfast, and it’s time for you to leave, Niall. Harry, I’ll be right in the kitchen if you need me, yeah? You’re alright here?”

                Harry nodded and Niall stood up. Harry could see the tears in his eyes, but he didn’t feel a single drop of remorse. Niall deserved to be yelled at.

                “He asked about you, you know.”

                Niall spoke softly, and Harry’s breath hitched, his tears stopping abruptly. The fact that one simple sentence could make him actually pay attention in the midst of his anger made him even more angry, but he couldn’t help it. Niall looked over at Harry, catching his eye, and nodded.

                “Yeah. The first words out of his mouth were “How is Harry? Is he ok?”. I didn’t even get a hello,” Niall said with a small laugh, and Harry pulled his blanket closer around him, sniffling. He was still mad, he could still feel the need to yell at Niall, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. No words harsh enough would come to him.

                “Did you tell him?” Harry asked quietly, and when Niall looked at him quizzically, he elaborated, his voice cracking. “Did you tell him that … how I’m all … messed up?”

                There was a pause where Niall seemed to be thinking, and Harry braced himself. “No, I didn’t. I didn’t say anything about you, actually. I told him we probably shouldn’t start off like that, and he agreed and we sat there for hours talking. Well, he talked. I listened.”

                “Oh …” Harry sat up slowly, wiping his eyes furiously with his already wet sleeves. “You … didn’t tell him anything? Why?”

                “Because I … I knew that if I told him that you were still here, that you lived not five minutes from where you used to live, he’d come looking for you. And as hard as he would have tried to fix things, he would have just fucked everything up more. And you were doing really well without him. I didn’t want to send you back to that dark place, Haz. It hurt to see you like that.”

                Harry sighed and lay back down, his chest aching at the thought of Louis asking about him. He shouldn’t have cared, but he did. Even after everything, he still cared, and he hated it. He wanted to put his fist through the nearest wall.

Liam walked in and settled next to Harry on his other side. Harry closed his eyes and pressed his face into the damp pillow beneath his head. “I’ve been in that dark place since Louis walked out that door, Ni. Just got better at pretending.”

~

                _“I’m disgusting, Harry. You’re disgusting. We, us, we’re not right, it’s just not right …”_

                Harry jerked and nearly fell off the couch, awaking from another fitful sleep. Liam’s warmth was still there, and Liam was stroking his arm carefully, keeping him calm in his sleep, but nothing, not even Liam, could keep the memories at bay for long.

                Harry wiped at his eyes, which were again dry, and saw that two slices of toast and a glass of orange juice were sitting in front of him. Harry’s stomach rumbled, but he still took his time, eating the toast and drinking every last drop of the orange juice. He didn’t need another relapse, not now that he knew Louis was around. Even after four years of trying to move on, he still wanted Louis to see him as the strong growing man that he was in love with … _that he_ used _to be in love with,_ Harry reminded himself harshly.

                “Feel any better, Haz?”

                Liam’s voice echoed in the silence of the room, and Harry nodded, even though he felt like absolute shit. He stood up, the blanket dropping from around his shoulders, and he swayed on the spot, feeling slightly dizzy. He wasn’t sure if it was lack of food or lack of sleep or both, but he suddenly felt nauseous.

                “Think m’just gonna go lay down for a bit …” Harry mumbled, hurrying from the main room without another look at Liam. He made it to his bed, collapsing and hugging his pillow as his head spun, making him feel even worse. He knew there was nothing to be done … this happened every time he had a reminder of what he had lost, and this time, he’d come face to face with the cause of his pain.

                Harry stared at the wall, trying to focus on something besides his messed up life and the pain in his head. He pulled his pillow to his chest, curling up into a ball. He knew Liam was probably worrying about him, and he really could probably have used his company, but right now, despite everything that had happened, he only wanted one person there, and that person was Louis. The one person he couldn’t have, and would never have again.

                Harry felt his eyes drooping, but he pinched himself, forcing his eyes open. He couldn’t fall asleep, not now. Nightmares and memories would plague him, as they did every time he closed his eyes. Even if he took medication, they seeped through and tormented him, leaving him in a terrible state that not even Liam could fully understand or help with.

                But Harry didn’t want to call for him. This wasn’t Liam’s burden to bear, it was his, and his alone. And if not sleeping was the price he paid for staying somewhat collected, he would pay it.

~

                Harry wasn’t sure if it was an hour or five, or even ten, but he eventually became so hungry that he had to get up and leave his bed. Sure enough, when he entered the kitchen, rubbing at his temples in an attempt to make his headache go away, Liam was sitting at the table, a bunch of paperwork laid out in front of him and his glasses sliding down his nose.

                “Thought you’d be back at work today,” Harry mumbled, standing in the doorway to the kitchen, and Liam looked up.

                “I did, I just thought … well, I asked if I could do work from home today.”

                Harry felt a rush of gratitude, and he moved closer to Liam, resting his chin on Liam’s shoulder.

                “Thank you,” he whispered, feeling soft and happy that Liam was here for him, just like he always was. Liam nodded with a smile and Harry stood up, walked slowly to the fridge, opened it, and looked around for something to eat. He looked back over at Liam and his stomach contracted with sudden doubt. Was Liam only here out of obligation? Did he really want to be here for Harry or was he secretly rolling his eyes at Harry’s reaction to everything? Had Liam known this entire time and lied about it to save his own ass? Fuck, Harry hated his own mind sometimes.

                He found a few leftovers from their dinner the night before, and he pulled them out, not even bothering to heat them up. Liam looked like he was on the verge of speaking, and Harry knew he wouldn’t be able to hear anything Liam had to say without either crying or punching something. He was already confused enough as it was, and he just wasn’t sure what to believe. He wanted to believe Liam, because he trusted Liam and Liam had always been honest with him, but right now, it was hard to trust anyone. He took the container and a fork and headed back to his bedroom, curling up under his duvet and eating his food slowly.

                Hours later still, there was a knock on his door and Liam came in. Harry pulled the covers over his head, not wanting to talk.

                “Harry … will you please come out from there?” Liam asked in his soft voice, but Harry shook his head, hoping it was conveyed through the layer of covers shielding him from the rest of the world. “Ok … I get it. If you won’t talk to me, will you at least let me talk?”

                Harry swallowed and pulled the duvet away from his eyes so that he could see Liam. Liam sat down on the edge of Harry’s bed, twisting his hands together.

                “Look, I … what I did, it … I swear I didn’t know who he was. I just needed to make friends at that point, I was new here, and he was kind to me. Gave me recommendations for places to get a job and … anyway, my point is that I’m not going back. What he did to you was … it was just so bad, and I can’t believe I was ever friends with him.”

                Harry felt his throat constrict. There’s no way Liam could have known about this, not with the way he was reacting. And yet, Liam had still been on his side, knowing nothing about the situation. “Li … you didn’t know. I can’t … I won’t blame you for that. He was always that person who could make friends with anyone …” Harry’s hand, under the duvet, drifted to press against his chest, as if the pressure from his hand would fend off the ache in his heart. Thinking about Louis was hard enough, but talking about him? In fact, this was the most he’d ever said about Louis since he left, and Harry didn’t realize how much pain Louis still caused him. But, as accustomed as he was to keeping everything inside, he felt the need to tell Liam what he was feeling, the truth this time. He took a deep breath to try and clear his head. “Look, I … I have my own problems with … what happened, and all that, but he’s a good person. Deep down, I know it, it’s just buried under a lot of unresolved pain, and it’s … it’s hard to find the strength to move on. And if you want to be his friend, I’m not going to stop you. It’s not …” Harry sucked in a harsh breath, his voice thick as his mind swirled with memories of Louis. “It’s not my place to tell you who not to be friends with. Just …”

                Liam moved closer and pulled Harry into his arms, gently rubbing up and down his back. “That’s just the thing. What he did to you, knowing what I know – which is a lot, I’ll admit – seeing you like this, it makes me hate him more than I’ve ever hated anyone. And as much as I don’t want to lose a friend, I can’t just let this go. You’re my first priority, H.”

                Harry nodded, brushing at his eyes even though he had no tears left. He didn’t deserve Liam. He didn’t deserve the kindness and compassion that Liam showed him even on days like this.

                “Thanks, Li. You … You’re a good friend.” Harry whispered, leaning his head on Liam’s shoulder. Liam just nodded and they sat there for a bit, just being together.

                “Hey, tell you what? I just went to the store a few days back and I bought some stuff … we could have a cook-off, if you wanted? I know how much you love beating my ass at cooking good food.”

                Harry couldn’t help it: he smirked. Ever since Liam and Harry had moved in together, Liam had always had a fascination with how good Harry was at cooking (truth was, Harry had been a shit cook until he and Louis had been together, and since Louis had been even worse than him, Harry had taken up learning how to cook properly so they didn’t starve). And whenever Harry was down, Liam always suggested this, because it was one thing that Harry never refused.

                “Alright, but let me get a shower … I want to look good when I win,” Harry said. His voice was still rough, but he actually felt a flicker of something under all the pain that was weighing on him. He felt happiness.

                Liam stood and hurried out of Harry’s room to the kitchen, and Harry threw the duvet off himself. Maybe getting a shower would wash away some of what he was feeling, and keep the memories at bay.

~

**_ Liam _ **

                After an amazing defeat at trying to cook pancakes with Harry, Liam helped Harry fall asleep and then retreated to his own room. He picked up his phone and texted Niall at once.

 **Liam:** _Still pissed at you. Can’t believe you didn’t tell me._

                Seconds later, he had a reply.

 **Niall:** _I know. I’m a fucking twat._

 **Liam:** _Why did you even talk to him? You know how badly that would hurt Harry…_

 **Niall:** _I guess I thought that after four years, Harry wouldn’t be as … sensitive to it. I know Louis fucked up, but it was a break up. They happen. I don’t know._

                Liam rolled his eyes and almost threw his phone. How could Niall not see how much damage even mentioning Louis had done to Harry. He tapped out one last angry message.

 **Liam:** _I’m so fucking mad I don’t even know what to say, but I want to give you the benefit of the doubt. Please give me a reason to not think you’re actual garbage, Horan, cause right now, that’s all I’m seeing. How could you lie to us like this, especially Harry? That’s just so fucking low._

                Liam put his phone on silent and turned over, flicking off his bedside lamp. He lay there in the dark for a while, just thinking. Louis had been kind to him, one of the best people he’d ever met. So how was it possible that such an amazing person could do something as horrible as what Louis had done to Harry? Liam didn’t understand it at all. But then again, he didn’t understand a lot of what had happened between them, and he was still trying to understand Harry, even after living with him for years. It was all just a huge mess, one that he wished Harry had never had to go through in the first place. Harry deserved better.

                Liam rolled onto his stomach and closed his eyes, listening. No sounds could be heard … Harry was still asleep. Liam sighed gratefully and fell asleep not long after that.

~

**_ Harry _ **

                Over the next week, Harry felt like he was being torn in two directions. On one hand, he was glad that he at least knew where Louis was and that he was ok, because despite everything, he still cared for his well-being. But on the other hand, knowing that Louis was that close was like waiting for a bomb to go off. What if he showed up at the apartment? What if Harry went shopping for himself and Liam and ran into Louis in a Tesco or something? What if Niall invited Louis over when Harry was hanging out with them? He didn’t go a day without thinking about Louis, which hadn’t happened since he was 18, but instead of being an intense burning love or a pain that ran deeper than anything else, it was a mixture of those and complete confusion.

                Harry got maybe an hour or so of sleep every night, which was more than usual, so he felt a bit more awake, and work kept him distracted. Working at a bakery wasn’t something he had intended to do when he left school, but he didn’t know what else he was good at, so he had forgone University and stayed at the bakery. Helena loved having him there, and all the regular customers knew him by name.

                It was Saturday, the late shift, when both sides of himself collided, and he was in no way prepared for it.

                The shop was always busy on Saturdays, and Harry had spent most of his shift running back and forth between the kitchen and the register, keeping everything stocked and fresh. Helena was doing most of the actual baking tonight, so he at least didn’t have to worry about that, but he was still covered in flour and bits of bread. Niall would have laughed his ass off.

                He was just bringing out the final tray of iced cupcakes for the night when the bell tinkled, as it had been all night. Customers stayed until they closed, so there was a nice buzz of conversation mingling with the bell. Harry looked up and saw Niall’s newly brunette locks and his grinning face. And then someone came in after him, and Harry almost dropped the entire tray. Louis was with him.

                It was like all the air had been sucked from the room. Harry only heard the thudding of his heart in his ears as he watched Niall and Louis enter the bakery.

 

                _“Harry, darling, Louis is here to see you!” Helena called from the front of the store, and Harry, not bothering to dust himself off, practically sprinted from the back and around the counter. Louis stood there, all smiles and blue eyes, and when he saw Harry, he laughed._

_“You’re covered in flour, baby,” Louis giggled, and Harry blushed, trying to brush it off and just getting it all over himself in the process. Louis reached forward and took Harry’s hands in his, playing gently with his fingers. “Don’t worry, you still look cute to me. The curls and the dimples make up for it.”_

_Harry smiled and leaned in for a kiss. Louis nipped at his bottom lip before pulling away reluctantly, nodding at the customers who were already in line._

_“I thought you had to work, Lou?” Harry asked, as he moved closer to Louis. He was in his own little world, and Louis was the only one in it._

_“I did, but I managed to convince my boss that we needed a little snack. So he naturally sent me here.”_

_Harry smiled dopily as Louis’ fingers ghosted over his hip, just barely touching him but still sending tingles all over his body._

_“I miss you,” Harry whispered, pressing a kiss to Louis’ cheek, and Louis sighs._

_“I miss you too, so much. But I’ll see you at home in a few hours … our home,” Louis said back, letting his lips brush Harry’s pulse point. Somehow, Harry had shot up a few inches and was now a lot taller than Louis, but it was the perfect height difference for neck kisses._

_Harry swallowed and poked Louis’ side. “Don’t tease, Lou.”_

_Louis laughed and stepped back taking in Harry fully. “Get back to work, flour boy. I’ll be waiting at home with Chinese takeout and cuddles.”_

_Harry grins and pulls Louis in for a hug, getting flour all over him, but Louis doesn’t seem to care. In fact, he seems almost happy about it. Harry leans his head down to peck Louis’ lips, and Louis cups the side of his face, pulling him in for a longer kiss._

_“I love you,” Harry breathes against Louis’ lips, and Louis hums._

_“Love you too, Hazza. See you at home.”_

               

                Harry stood there, ignoring the fact that the other customers were looking at him in confusion. He couldn’t move … he didn’t know what to do. It wasn’t like he could ask Helena to switch, but he didn’t think he could face Louis right now. He wasn’t ready.

                Niall looked up, saw Harry, and his smile disappeared, replaced with utter horror. He turned right around, shoving Louis towards the door, but Louis looked up in confusion and locked eyes with Harry. Neither of them moved a muscle, though Harry could feel his hands shaking on the tray he was still holding. And then Harry decided. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t see Louis, he couldn’t speak to Louis, he couldn’t do it. He moved quickly then, shoving the tray of cupcakes into the display case without even bothering to take out the old, empty tray, and hurried to the back, leaning his head against the wall and trying not to be sick. He needed air.

                “Harry, are you alright, love?” Helena was next to him, an arm on his shoulder, which was shaking uncontrollably. Harry turned, looking at her with eyes full of tears, and she peered around the corner. She pulled her head back just as fast, her eyes wide, and Harry just nodded, no questions needing to be spoken aloud for her to know what had Harry in such a state.

                “I … I’m sorry, I just …” Harry babbled, but Helena just spoke calmly.

                “I’ll take care of this one, Harry. You go wash the dishes for me, yeah?”

                Harry nodded, sucking in a deep breath and trying to keep himself from crying. This was work, he was a professional. He couldn’t go around freaking out when he had other customers to attend to, and he couldn’t show that sort of weakness to his boss. He straightened, up, biting the inside of his cheek, and went to the sink, turning on the tap and letting the scalding water pour over his hands, barely registering the pain.

                Despite the fact that the water was on, he could still hear Helena speaking – there was only a curtain between him and the register, as the building had used to be a diner of some sort where they served food right into the window.

                “Hello, Niall. And Louis, what a surprise. Haven’t seen you around in a while. What can I get for you boys?”

                Harry heard Niall give his order, and then his hearing seemed to triple as Louis spoke. He still had his Doncaster accent, the small lilt to certain words and the raspiness that Harry had once adored. Hearing his voice now … it made his heart ache.

                He turned off the water and pulled his hands away; they were bright red and tingling in a way that wasn’t exactly comfortable, but it distracted Harry from hearing whatever Niall or Louis said next. He doubted he’d have wanted to hear it anyway, because a moment later, Helena responded, “He’s on dish duty tonight. Won’t be seeing any more of him. Sorry boys, next time maybe.”

                So … Niall had wanted to see him? Or had it been Louis? Or both? Harry didn’t want to think about it. He didn’t want to hear any more. He left the dishes unfinished and pushed open the back door, which lead him into the alley where they dumped their trash. He sat down in the door way, taking in gulps of the muggy air and trying to keep himself calm. He just wanted to go home and curl up in his bed and forget this ever happened.

                Helena found him about ten minutes later, and, carefully, removed his hairnet and told him to go home. Harry protested, saying he was fine, but Helena wouldn’t back down, so Harry found himself leaving before closing for the first time in years, walking home in the light rain that had settled over the town.

                He had reached his flat before he knew it, and he trudged up the stairs, wanting nothing more than a hot mug of tea and maybe to sit with Liam and watch a movie, but the moment he opened the door, he came face to face with Niall.

                “Harry, I am so fucking sorry, fuck. I knew you weren’t working tonight so I just figured I’d be ok … he wanted the best baked goods in the city and I thought …”

                “I picked up an extra shift.”

                “I wasn’t thinking, I shouldn’t have-”

                “Get out.”

                Harry’s voice scared even himself, and Niall backed up a few paces.

                “What?”

                “You heard me. Get out. I don’t want to see you here.”

                “But Harry, I’m-”

                Harry heard the roar of anger in his ears, and before he could stop himself, he was yelling.

                “I was willing to forgive you for not telling me that Louis was here. You were probably right in having kept that from me to keep the pain away, though it doesn’t take away the fact that you should have told me anyway. But even after that, even though you _knew_ I was angry with you, you go out with him. You bring him to the place that I work. I don’t give two shits if you thought I wasn’t working, there’s always the possibility that I could have been, and you took him there anyway. After everything he did, you just … did you even think about it? Fucking hell, Niall …”

                Niall and Liam, who had come out of the kitchen at the shouting, stared at him. Niall looked hurt and confused, but Harry didn’t care. His whole body was shaking with anger and he felt tears forming in his eyes, angry tears. Niall tried to take a step towards him, but he backed away.

                “How could you …” Harry couldn’t finish his sentence. He couldn’t even come up with words to describe how Niall’s actions made him feel. He just turned and walked away. He slammed the door to his bedroom, locked it, and crumpled to the floor, his back against the locked door. He buried his face in his knees and squeezed his eyes shut, trying to forget about Louis, Niall, everyone.

~

                Niall didn’t come around for a while after that. Harry knew that Niall wanted to be there – he had texted Harry a dozen times before Harry just turned his phone off, and sometimes in the early hours of the morning, Harry could hear Liam on the phone with him, talking in hushed but harsh voices.

                Harry did his best to forget the whole thing. He didn’t want to be mad at Niall, but Niall had royally fucked up, and had put Harry in the terrible position of having to confront the source of his pain. Even now, he was still reeling from seeing Louis again. He wished he could just act like a normal ex-boyfriend and treat Louis cordially, but every time he thought about trying to do that, it made him feel sick.

                Liam was a saint to him, only going out when he had to for work. Otherwise, he was with Harry around the clock. Harry said that he didn’t need to be watched like a child, but he was secretly glad that at least someone was on his side, if there even were sides in this sort of situation.

                As the days went by, Harry would sometimes hear Liam on the phone, his angry voice carrying through the house, and he could only assume that Niall’s persistent calling had finally worn Liam down.

                Over time, though, Harry started getting used to hearing Louis’ name again. Liam would use it several times in every phone conversation with Niall, and slowly, it began to be a normal occurrence that Harry would hear his name at least three or four times a day. He had pushed it away for so many years that even the mention of it would choke him, but now it only caused a small twinge. He wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing, but it at least meant that he spent only half of his time trying to remember how to breathe.

                One night a few weeks later at dinner, Liam cleared his throat and Harry looked up, a little apprehensive.

                “Hey, Haz, umm … I was wondering if it was ok that I went over to Niall’s tonight. He’s having a lads’ night we haven’t seen each other since … everything happened.” Liam rubbed the back of his neck, looking up through his eyelashes almost nervously before continuing. “You were invited too, but I figured maybe you didn’t want to go. But I just wanted to ask.” Liam looked down at his plate, biting his lip, and Harry sucked in a breath.

                He had been expecting something like this to happen eventually, and the fact that, though Harry had basically cut Niall out of his life, he still wanted to invite Harry over? It was … nice to know, if he was being honest with himself.

                “Yeah, of course you can go, Li. I’m not going to tell you what to do. You’re an adult, you can make your own choices.” Harry didn’t blame Liam for going; Liam had proven himself to be someone that Harry could trust, but Harry himself wasn’t ready to face Niall quite yet. “I probably won’t go, though, cause … umm, well, I’m still not really on speaking terms with Niall, and cause Louis will probably be there.”

                Liam’s lips pressed together, and that confirmed Harry’s suspicion, but he wasn’t upset. Or maybe it was just the calm demeanor he had adopted over the past few weeks. It was almost like he refused to feel anything, and he wasn’t sure if it was better than what he’d been doing before or not. But it was something.

                “I won’t go if you don’t want me to, Haz. I can stay home and we can have another baking war or something …”

                “No, please, go. You’ve been basically babysitting my ass for three weeks, you deserve a night out.” Harry stood and cleared their plates from the table, and Liam smiled, following him into the kitchen.

                “I … thanks, Harry. I didn’t want to do anything to make you uncomfortable.”

                Harry shook his head. “It’s ok. You go and have fun, and I’ll get cleaned up. Maybe watch a movie or something.”

                Liam nodded before pulling Harry into a tight hug. Harry hugged him back, smelling Liam’s familiar soapy scent, before letting go. Liam waved and called out to him in farewell as he left, and Harry turned to get started on the mountain of dishes he had to do.

~

                Harry found himself on the couch hours later, exhausted and about ready to fall asleep. He had the TV on in the background, and his blanket was warm and cozy. For once, he allowed himself to drift off into a doze, the movie playing a soft love song in the background.

~

                _Harry woke in the late hours of the night, and the bed next to him was empty. This was unusual: Louis was the heavy sleeper between the two of them, he rarely got up before noon after falling asleep. Harry sat up and looked around, and saw that their door was ajar. Rubbing at his eyes, he stood and walked slowly out into the main room. There was only one light on, and Louis was pacing back and forth in their kitchen, his hands pulling at his hair as he muttered to himself._

_“Lou … s’early, what’s going on?” Harry mumbled, and Louis looked up, his eyes flashing wildly._

_“Don’t come near me, Harry, just don’t, alright?”_

_Harry stared at him before moving closer, reaching out to touch him gently. “Louis, what-”_

_“I said don’t come closer!” Louis practically screamed, and Harry pulled his hand back, feeling slightly hurt. He didn’t know what was going on, but Louis never refused his touch or his comfort._

_“Ok, alright, I won’t come closer. Will you tell me what’s wrong?” Harry asked calmly, trying to be soothing. Louis scoffed and rolled his eyes, throwing his hands in the air._

_“What’s wrong? What’s wrong? Everything is wrong, Harry, it’s all wrong. Fuck, everything is so fucking messed up …” Louis’ voice cracked and he sounded almost hysterical, and Harry wondered if he was having a break down or something. He stayed where he was, not sure what to do. He had never seen Louis like this before._

_“Is there anything I can do?”_

_“You’re the last person I’d ask for help with this,” Louis spat, and Harry felt like Louis had slapped him across the face._

_“W-what do you mean?” he asked, almost hesitantly. Louis finally turned to face him, and Harry could say with certainty that something was very wrong. Never in all the time that they’d known each other had Louis looked at Harry with such disgust._

_“You … you made me like this! You made me disgusting, I don’t even know why I’m still in the same room as you right now. You make me sick.”_

_Harry didn’t say a word. He was sure that this had to be a dream, because the Louis he knew would never speak to him like that. But Louis apparently took his silence as an opportunity to keep going._

_“I was fine until you showed up, with your pretty hair and your dimples and that perfect little smile of yours. You turned me into this … this monster who fucks around with men … that’s so wrong, Harry. Why did you make me do this?”_

_“I … Louis, what are you talking about?” Harry squeaked, his voice not working properly. He wasn’t just apprehensive now, he was downright terrified._

_“I’m talking about being gay, Harry. Being a fucking fag.”_

_Harry couldn’t breathe. He didn’t have a clue what to say or what to do. All he could do was stand there, open mouthed, as Louis tore at his hair again, now almost screaming every word._

_“I was normal until you got with me. Until we had sex and fucked everything up. You probably think being gay is normal, that it’s ok, yeah? Well it’s fucking not. It’s a mistake. I’m disgusting, Harry. You’re disgusting. We, us, we’re not right, it’s just not right …”_

_“Louis, please …” Harry pleaded, but Louis was storming out of the kitchen, pulling on his shoes roughly. Harry went after him and managed to grab hold of his arm. He wasn’t sure what he was going to do, but he thought maybe physical contact would make Louis see sense. It didn’t. Louis ripped his arm free from Harry’s grasp and spat at him._

_“Never touch me again. We’re done. I can’t believe I ever thought being close to you was ok. You disgust me, Harry Styles.” Louis’ voice dripped with venom as he spat out those last words._

_Harry’s hand, which had still been outstretched to Louis, dropped limply to his side. He could feel his heart breaking into a million pieces. He didn’t understand what had happened … everything had been fine when they’d gone to bed … or maybe it hadn’t. Maybe Louis had been holding this in for so long that he finally snapped, and Harry hadn’t noticed. Had he been that bad of a boyfriend?_

_“Louis, I don’t … I’m … you’re leaving me?” He whispered these last words, as though saying them aloud would make them true._

_“Yes, I’m leaving. I can’t be near you. Don’t call me, don’t text, don’t try to find me. I never want to see you again.”_

_Louis left, slamming the door so hard that it didn’t latch, and Harry could hear the rumble of thunder outside that meant there was a storm coming. It was like the sound of the thunder brought every emotion Harry had been numb to suddenly crashing down on him, bringing Louis’ departure into harsh, painful reality. He was really gone._

_Harry tried to make it to the phone, but his legs wouldn’t hold his weight.  He collapsed in a heap on the floor, sobs tearing themselves from his throat as the realization of what had just happened crashed over him. It was like being hit by a train – with every beat of his heart, someone was stabbing him a thousand times over. He shuddered and curled up in a ball on the floor, unable to move. He called out for Louis, begged him to come back, but he knew deep down that it was useless. His heart was broken, and he knew it would never be whole again … not without Louis._

~

**_ Liam _ **

                Liam laughed as he opened the door to his and Harry’s apartment. Niall and Louis had just dropped him off, and if he was being honest, he’d had the best time with them. He just wished Harry had been there. He had a feeling they all could have been really close if Louis hadn’t been such an asshole all those years ago.

                Harry had finally told him the full story about two years ago, on one of his really bad nights when he just babbled on for hours, unaware that he was speaking at all. Liam had been horrified. How could Harry, or even Niall, for that matter, be friends with someone who would just freak out and leave like that? But Louis seemed … nice, kind, soft, and exactly the kind of person that would have been perfect for Harry. He didn’t understand why it had happened, but there was no way he was going to ask Louis about it, not yet anyway. Maybe one day he’d be able to understand what made Louis change his mind, but for now, it was better left unasked.

                Liam closed the door behind him and toed off his shoes. He snuck into the kitchen and heard the music from the movie playing in the main room. He smiled at the lump on the couch … Harry was fast asleep, and Liam didn’t want to wake him. He pulled out a bag of crisps and was just about to dive into them when Harry whimpered, a high, distressed noise that had Liam immediately on his guard. When all was silent for a few moments, Liam went back to eating.

                “Louis, please …” Harry mumbled, and Liam left the bag on the counter, moving towards the main room. It sounded like Harry’s peaceful sleep had turned to nightmares once more, and any moment now, Harry would wake up calling for Louis.

                Liam made his way into the room, settling on the couch next to Harry, who was shaking slightly. Harry’s face looked like he was in agony, and Liam reached out to touch him gently.

                “Harry … Harry, you’re having a dream. Wake up.”

                But Harry didn’t wake up. Instead, his whole body spasmed and he jerked around, almost like he was having a seizure. Liam, terrified, gripped Harry’s arm.

                “Harry, can you hear me? You have to wake up!”

                Harry gasped, tears falling down his cheeks as he thrashed around on the couch, becoming twisted helplessly in his blankets. Liam pulled Harry to him, trying to hold him still with one arm as he pulled out his phone. With trembling fingers, he dialed Niall’s number. Niall’s cheery voice answered after one ring.

                “Heya, Liam, what’s-”

                “Niall, fuck, you have to turn around. Harry, he’s … I don’t know, he’s shaking and crying but he’s asleep and I can’t wake him up and I’m scared!”

                “Ok, alright, slow down, Payno. We’re coming back. But Louis is with me … he isn’t gonna want to stay in the car … and I don’t think he’d be too happy to see me either ...”

                “Bring him in, I don’t even care anymore, please hurry!”

                Liam hung up and tried to pull Harry closer to him, but he was moving around too much, gasping for air and sobbing, somewhere between dreams and awareness.

                “Louis, please come back to me, please …” Harry cried out, his voice choked with tears, and Liam felt tears in his own eyes. Seeing Harry like this was too much … if Niall didn’t hurry, Liam feared for not only his own safety, but for Harry’s.

                “Niall, please hurry …” he whispered to himself.

~

                Five minutes later, there was a knock at the door, and Liam called for them to come in, holding Harry down as best he could. In came Niall, followed quickly by Louis, who looked scared and uncertain.

                “Over here, Ni,” Liam called from the couch, straining to keep Harry still. Niall hurried over, Louis on his heels, and they both skidded to a halt as they came around the couch and saw the scene before them.

                Niall dropped to his knees at once, cupping Harry’s sweaty face in his hands and trying to avoid his jerking limbs. “Harry, it’s Niall. You’ve gotta wake up now, it’s just a dream.”

                But Harry didn’t appear to have heard him. Instead, his sobs doubled, and his words, barely discernable through the tears, overpowered the TV in the background.

                “Louis … I need you, please don’t go … come back to me …” Harry sobbed, and Liam’s eyes moved to Louis, who was just standing there, looking horrified.

                “What … what’s wrong with him?” Louis asked finally, his voice sounding pained.

                “He’s having … fuck, I don’t know, usually he wakes up and I can calm him down, but I can’t even wake him up! His memories worm their way into nightmares …”

                He didn’t know why he was telling him this, because Louis should have known … he should have considered what his actions might do to Harry, but he had to make Louis understand how bad this was.

                “For fuck’s sake, Liam. Louis is right here. If Harry wants Louis, let’s give him Louis. See if he can’t wake him up.”

                “Oh, yeah, cause you’re so full of great ideas, Niall,” Liam spat, but then he paused, looking in terror between Niall, Louis, and Harry’s shaking form on the couch.

                Liam didn’t think much of it … if Harry woke up in Louis’ arms, it would probably make everything ten times worse, but Harry was now twitching and jerking so much that Liam was scared he’d hurt himself. If Louis could help … if he could get Harry calm … it was their last hope.

                “Fine,” Liam gasped, tears still in his eyes. Louis hesitated, but moved forward, and Liam struggled to move out of the way as Louis sat down on the couch and pulled Harry into his arms.

~

**_ Harry _ **

                Harry couldn’t wake up. He couldn’t escape the memory of his and Louis’ last night together. All the pain, it was just being dealt to him again and again; he felt like he was bleeding out.

                He could hear voices, someone was in the room with him, but it was like his mind was paralyzed, trapped in the same terrible cycle, and he couldn’t do anything about it. He felt like he couldn’t breathe, like someone was choking him to death, and for the first time in his life, he wanted it to end.

                And then, just when he thought he couldn’t bear it any more, he felt gentle arms go around him, he could hear another heartbeat as his head was pressed against a chest, and soft hands were caressing his face.

                “Harry, love, you’re alright. You’re just dreaming. You can wake up, it’s ok. I’ve got you. I won’t let go, I promise.”

                Louis. He knew it without a doubt; how could he ever forget Louis’ voice. He struggled to wake up; it was like swimming in tar, but he had to reach him. If he had come back …

                His eyes flew open and he gasped, his body still convulsing. Strong arms coated in tattoos were around him, holding him tightly so he didn’t hurt himself. He looked around wildly, not knowing where he was or what was going on. And then his eyes landed on the person holding him. The bright blue eyes, the soft fringe, the worried crease between his eyebrows.

                Harry drew back, shock taking over him, and then smacked Louis straight across the face. Louis drew in a sharp gasp of pain but didn’t let go of Harry. Harry felt an indescribable rage filling him, and suddenly he was on his feet shoving Louis against the nearest wall. His arm was constricting Louis’ throat and he saw Louis’ eyes bulge, his face absolutely terrified, but he didn’t care. He wanted to cause as much harm to Louis as humanly possible. His other arm swung around, desperately trying to hit Louis again, but before he could land one blow, there were hands on him, pulling him away. He struggled, but the hold on him was too strong. He watched, as if through someone else’s eyes, as someone brunette, Niall, probably, dragged Louis away and out of sight.

                Harry’s breath came in sharp, painful gasps as he struggled frantically against Liam’s iron grip.

                “Harry, no! Stop, you’re going to hurt yourself. You have to relax.”

                Harry didn’t want to relax. What he wanted to do was make Louis feel the pain that he’d felt every day since that night, since Louis had left him here with nothing but a broken heart and a world of self-doubt and self-hatred.

                Liam dragged Harry back to the couch and held him tightly as he yelled and fought to get free, but he wasn’t going anywhere.

~

**_ Niall _ **

                Niall dragged Louis away from Harry and down the hall, so he’d be out of sight. He locked them both in Liam’s room and then turned and shoved Louis hard. Louis sat down hard on the bed and looked up at Niall, his big blue eyes scared, but Niall didn’t care.

                “What the hell did you to do him, Lou?”

                “I …”

                “And don’t give me some bullshit excuse either. I know you didn’t tell me everything. If it had just been a bad break up and a fuck up on your part, Harry wouldn’t have tried to tear you to pieces just now. So tell me. What … did … you … do?”

                Niall’s voice was low, growling, and Louis looked even more terrified, but he licked his lips and spoke in a raspy tone, still trying to catch his breath.

                “Niall I … I regret every word I said that night, you have to understand …”

                “I told you to cut the bullshit.” Niall spoke harshly, and Louis looked slightly abashed. In the momentary silence, he could hear Harry yelling in the other room, and Louis looked about ready to get up, concern written all over his face, but Niall shoved him back down. “Talk.”

                “I … I had a gay crisis.”

                Niall stared at him. “Come again?”

                “A gay crisis. That’s what my therapist told me, anyway. I didn’t know what it was at the time.”

                Niall stayed silent. Finally, he was about to get the truth about what happened that night. Louis cleared his throat and looked up, eyes wet with unshed tears.

                “I … I couldn’t sleep one night, so I went to the kitchen to get a snack and I saw our pictures on the wall and it hit me … everything my parents and my family and my friends had told me about being gay, how it was wrong and it was the greatest sin and that I was a faggot who didn’t deserve happiness … it filled my brain and wormed its way into my every thought. And I knew, or I thought, that everything I was doing with Harry was wrong. And I believed it. So when Harry came to check on me, I …” Louis took a deep breath and Niall braced himself for the worst. “I told him we weren’t _right,_ that he made me sick, and that I never wanted to see him again.”

                Louis’ bottom lip trembled and a single tear ran down his cheek. Niall didn’t say a word, but his mind was reeling. For years, for four long years, he’d thought it had just been a bad break up, a cheating issue or a miscommunication. Niall had been lucky enough to be back from Uni on a break, but he hadn’t found out the details until a year later, after he’d transferred schools to be closer to Harry, and then Louis had come back to town begging his forgiveness. And Niall had given it blindly, not even considering the lengths at which Louis had gone to hurt Harry.

                “Niall, please say something,” Louis begged, and Niall took a step back from him, shaking his head and feeling slightly sick.

                “I should have just let Harry hurt you.”

                “Niall, I know what I did was wrong on every level, I want to apologize to him, but I just …”

                “No. You don’t deserve to be in the same country, much less in the same room. Harry is so much better off without you in his life. What the fuck was I thinking?”

                “Oh yeah, because what I just saw is better off,” Louis snapped, and Niall felt his heart break, both for Harry and for himself.

                “He’s like this because of what _you_ did, you prat. You broke him in ways I can barely even begin to understand, and you just … you left him there! You know I was the one who found him, right? He was curled up on the floor, shaking and crying and calling out for you. I’ve never been more terrified in my life than I was at that moment. And all I could get out of him was that you were gone and he wanted you back, he needed you.”

                “I know …” Louis whispered, and Niall shook his head.

                “No. You don’t know. You have no idea. And this is something you’ll never understand. Just … come on. We’re leaving. I have to get you out of here because that’s what a good friend would do for Harry. I’ve been a shit one, but not anymore. He can’t see you when he’s in this state.”

                Niall gripped Louis’ arm and dragged him from the room, speeding past the kitchen, reaching the front door, and shoving Louis out, following him and letting the door slam behind him.

~

**_ Harry _ **

                Harry was gasping, but he wasn’t struggling anymore. He was crying silently, curled up in Liam’s arms on the couch. He felt more broken now than he had on the night everything had come crashing down, and he couldn’t stop crying. He couldn’t make the pain go away, not this time.

                “Hey, you’re ok. I’m right here, I won’t leave you,” Liam soothed, running a hand through Harry’s hair, and Harry nodded, hearing Liam’s words, but not feeling them. He felt empty, other than the pain in his chest, in his arms, his legs, his head. Especially his head.

                “L-Liam … wh-where …” Harry whispered, barely able to form words, but Liam understood.

                “Niall took him away, H. He’s not here.”

                As if in response to Liam’s words, their front door closed with a bang that echoed through the flat. Niall must’ve left with Louis, because there were no more noises after that. Harry felt his chest contract and his sobs doubled. He clung to Liam, feeling pathetic and sick.

                “Did I hurt him?” he asked, the words barely discernable, and Liam stroked his back softly.

                “No. You didn’t hurt him, Harry, he’s alright.”

                Harry wasn’t sure what to feel. Every time he thought about Louis now, it was a mixture of heartbreaking pain and wanting to tear the skin off his body and watch it burn. It was all a confused mess inside his head and he didn’t know what to do. So he just held onto Liam, hoping that Liam could tell him what to do, how to feel.

                “I hate it so much, Liam,” Harry sobbed, and Liam held him closer, brushing tears off his cheeks gently.

                “What do you hate, Haz?” he asked kindly, and Harry buried his face in Liam’s shoulder, not wanting to look him in the eye when he said this.

                “I hate that I still care about him.” Liam was silent, and Harry felt like everything was falling apart. “I know I shouldn’t. I should hate him. I should never want to see him again, but when … when I w-was asleep, and I h-heard his v-voice, I wanted to see him. I wanted to come back f-for him. I hate myself.”

                “Hazza, don’t say that. You’re amazing. You’re so strong, yeah? You’ve been to hell and back and you’re still here. You’re fighting the pain tooth and nail … and you’re fucking winning.”

                “No, Liam, I’m losing, look at me. I’m a f-fucking mess. He made me strong and then he took it all with him when he l-left me.”

                Liam pressed his lips together, but the words tumbled from him anyway. “You don’t need Louis to be strong. You can be strong by yourself, Haz. I believe in you. And I _know_ Niall believes in you too, even if he’s acting like a right dick right about now. Your family believes in you. We all do. There’s nothing we want more than to see you smile every day. We want you to find happiness. But you can’t do that if you’re relying on a person to bring you the strength that you already have.”

                Harry sucked in a breath, his tears finally slowing enough for him to be able to see. “Y-You really think so?”

                Liam smiled softly and nodded, pressing his lips to Harry’s forehead. “Yeah, I do. You inspire me, Harry. Now all you have to do is inspire yourself. You’re worth the effort.”

~

                Over the next month, Harry really took Liam’s words to heart. He wanted to get better, more so than he ever had, and he did his best every day to make that happen. He ate three full meals a day, even when his body told him he wasn’t hungry. He went to work and he went to the gym on his days off and he even went out a few times with Liam. And slowly, as the days turned into weeks, he started to feel a change.

                The nightmares, however, were a different story entirely. Though he was happy and ok during the day, at night, his mind fucked with him. Seeing Louis had brought back all of the pain he’d pushed down over the past four years, and there wasn’t a night he didn’t wake up in a cold sweat, shivering and crying out. He felt terrible about it, because Liam had now taken to sleeping on the floor next to Harry’s bed, just in case, and Harry hated feeling like he caused Liam any trouble. But it hadn’t been this bad since Louis had left the first time, and Harry was glad that he at least had one person who cared enough to do something like that. He would have had two, but he and Niall still weren’t talking.

                The thing was, he missed Niall. He was still slightly pissed at him, but Niall had proven on more than one occasion since then that he was still very protective of Harry. Harry knew now, after Liam explained it to him, that Niall had tried to help him the night he’d attacked Louis, and he’d taken Louis away to make sure that Harry was ok.

                “He’s really pissed at him, Haz. He didn’t know what happened. Apparently, Louis didn’t tell him everything,” Liam said to him one afternoon, and Harry shrugged. He believed Liam, he did, but there was still something inside him that made him not want to trust Niall. And he hated it. He wanted it to go away, because he needed Niall. He wanted Niall back in his life.

                And that’s how he ended up at the coffee shop about a month and a half after that terrible night. He had talked to Liam about it the night before, and Liam had agreed that it was time he met up with Niall to try and work things out. He had then texted Niall for the first time in what seemed like forever and asked him to meet up, to which Niall had responded so quickly that Harry hadn’t even closed his phone before the notification came in.

                Harry sat at a table in the far corner, warming his hands around his coffee, and only looked up when Niall slid into the seat across from him. They both gave each other an awkward smile and Harry swallowed, trying to remember what he’d wanted to say. Niall pulling Louis away from him flashed suddenly in his mind, and he did his best not to cringe away as Niall reached for the sugar.

                Niall made quite a show of pouring sugar into his coffee and stirring it before taking a deep breath and looking up, lips pressed together. Harry waited, sure that Niall was about to say something.

                “Harry, I … I want to start with an apology. I know that no amount of sorrys can make up for what I’ve done, but I have to say them anyway. I just …” Niall looked up at Harry, and Harry could see that his eyes were glassy with tears. “I’m a fucking idiot. I should have told you the moment I knew Louis was back. That’s what a good friend would have done.”

Harry was silent, not knowing what to say. Niall took his silence as the opportunity to keep going, clearly trying to keep it together. “But I was selfish and I wanted him back in my life and I didn’t think about how it would affect you. And I’m sorry for bringing him to your work. And to your apartment. I’m just so sorry and I fucking miss you, Haz, I miss my best friend.”

                Harry swallowed a particularly hot swig of coffee and his eyes watered, but they had already been filling with tears before. Maybe this had been exactly what he’d wanted to hear, or maybe he had missed Niall more than he realized, because before he knew it, he was on his feet, moving around the table, and his arms were around Niall’s neck, the hug tentative but genuine. He sucked in a breath to keep himself from making a scene in the coffee shop.

                “I … I missed you so much, Ni. I was so mad at you … I’m still a little mad, actually, but I ... I forgive you. I just want you back in my life. I need my Nialler.”

                Harry pulled back and saw that Niall’s eyes were a little wet too. He grinned up at Harry, and Harry managed a small smile in return before sitting back down. The silence between them now was less tense, and Harry felt the tightness of anxiety in his chest lessen considerably. Despite the fact that he’d barely slept the last few weeks, he felt more awake and more alive than he had in a long time.

                “So … catch me up! What’s been going on in the world of baking and making Liam look bad in the kitchen?” Niall asked, and Harry laughed, his heart lightening, as he launched into a story.

~

                The rainy summer faded into an even rainier fall. The nightmares only came once every couple nights, then maybe only once a week, and then it was very rare that he had any at all. Sleeping was still a problem, because his body was used to working on no sleep, but Liam didn’t have to come check on him every night. That in it of itself was a milestone.

                He’d also started spending more time with Liam and Niall, which was doing wonders for his overall well-being. Good friends were the best medicine, Harry decided.  Niall confessed once at dinner that he’d never watched _Friends_ , and Harry made it his personal mission to educate Niall in the greatest show ever. So every Friday night, they had a _Friends_ marathon with pizza and crisps. It was something Harry grew to look forward to as the weather got colder and the appeal of going out became less.

                In late September, with a little convincing from Liam, and assurance that Louis was out of town and would not be attending, he went to Niall’s dinner party – the first time he’d been properly out for a night in ages. And to his surprise, he actually enjoyed himself. Buzzed on a few drinks and surrounded by friendly people, he found himself smiling and feeling like a real person again, and it was the best feeling in the world.

                When October rolled around Harry, Liam, and Niall spent the whole month planning the best Halloween party they possibly could, complete with his and Liam’s apartment decorated and peeled grapes for eyeballs and spaghetti noodles for intestines. Why they were so into the holiday, Harry didn’t know, but as long as he was spending time and joking around with his two best friends, he didn’t care what they did. A small part of him considered inviting Louis … but he wasn’t ready for that just yet.

 

                It was a cold November morning, the cold rain splattering on Harry’s face as he hurried to his favorite coffee shop. He crowded into the warm space, shaking his hair out a little and joining the queue. He browsed the menu – he thought about getting his usual, but he had a bit of extra time that morning before work. He nibbled on his lip, trying to decide, and then finally moved up to the counter to put his order in.

                The poor girl behind the counter was working all by herself and she looked flustered, apologizing every time she stumbled or picked something up.

                “Take your time, love, the line isn’t that long. I’ve got time,” Harry said kindly, and the girl gave him a weak smile as she passed him his to go cup. Harry slipped a few bills into the tip jar next to the register, turned to leave, and ran right into another person. Harry stumbled back, holding his coffee away from him so he didn’t spill it.

                “Oh, shit, I’m so sor-” Harry began, but his words died in his throat as a pair of blue eyes looked into his own. It was Louis.

                Harry could feel the tightness in his chest stirring, but he took a deep breath, closing his eyes for a second. He was fine. He was strong. He could do this.

                “Sorry, Harry, wasn’t watching where I was goin’,” Louis mumbled nervously.

                “Not to worry, Lou.” The old nickname slipped past his lips unconsciously, and Harry winced at himself. Louis’ eyes brightened for a fraction of a second before he focused his gaze on the floor.

                “No, really. I could have spilled coffee all over you, I’m so-”

                Harry sighed. Louis had always been the type to apologize until he was blue in the face. “Louis. Seriously. I’m fine, I promise.”

                Louis nodded, pressing his lips together, and Harry held his breath, sure that Louis would say something that would bring Harry’s carefully constructed strength tumbling down.

                “Well, I’ll just … I’ll see you around then, yeah?” Louis sounded almost hopeful. Harry felt his lips turning upward slightly in a small smile.

                “Yeah. See you around.”

                Louis walked away and Harry let out a sigh. He’d done it. He’d spoken to Louis and nothing bad had happened. On the contrary, it had been a pretty good conversation, considering how Harry had reacted the last time he’d seen Louis. With a smile growing on his face, he walked back out into the rain, pulling his hood up over his frizzing curls.

~

                “So you actually spoke to him?” Liam asked through a mouthful of chips, and Harry nodded.

                “Yeah. Was kind of strange, talking to him after all this time, but it was good, I think.”

                Harry had wasted no time – as soon as he was home from work, he’d gone straight to the main room, where Niall and Liam were waiting to start _Friends_ , and told them what had happened.

                “Wow. I’m so proud of you, H. That’s amazing, really,” Liam said, clapping Harry on the shoulder and wrinkling his nose at the puff of flour that exhaled from Harry’s shirt. Harry shrugged and pulled it off, throwing it over the arm of his chair.

                “He seemed kind of … ashamed, I don’t know. He wouldn’t look at me,” Harry added, to no one in particular, but just thinking out loud. That wasn’t like Louis, or the Louis he remembered, anyway.

                The doorbell rang and Liam headed through the kitchen to get it. Their pizza was finally here. Harry leaned back in his chair, finally ready to relax and eat, when Niall spoke up, his voice a bit softer than it usually was.

                “He’s really sorry.”

                Harry opened his tired eyes to look at Niall, and Niall pressed his lips together.

                “Sorry?”

                “Louis. He’s feels so shitty about what he did to you. I know we don’t talk about it, but for what it’s worth … he’s sorry. If that makes you feel any better.”

                Harry shrugged and sat back in his chair again, but before he could come up with a response, Liam had come back in with the pizza, and at that point, all Harry could focus on was food and _Friends_.

~

                “Harry! You’ve got a letter!” Liam called from the hallway as he kicked the door shut. Harry poked his head out of the kitchen, still whisking the eggs for his big Sunday breakfast.

                “But the post doesn’t come on Sundays …” Harry said slowly as Liam entered the kitchen, his hair damp from the cold drizzle outside. Liam shrugged and handed Harry an envelope.

                “Well, Uncle Vernon, it was in the box when I went to take the trash out.”

                Harry set the bowl down on the counter and tore open the letter. His eyes glanced over it and he caught sight of the name on the bottom. He froze in the middle of the kitchen, staring at the paper in his hand.

                “What is it, Haz? Who’s it from?”

                Liam leaned over Harry’s shoulder, his eyes scanning the letter, which Harry hadn’t even read yet, and his mouth dropped open.

                Harry moved towards the kitchen table and sat down in one of the chairs, his hands shaking only slightly as he smoothed out the paper in order to read the short letter properly.

 

_Harry,_

_It’s four years too late, but I couldn’t bring myself to say it to you in the shop. I’m so sorry. For everything. I want to explain everything to you, I just don’t know how. All I know is that what I did to you was the worst mistake of my life and I would do anything to make it right._

_Louis_

 

                Harry didn’t know what to say or do. He just sat there, staring at the paper blankly, the words written there playing over and over again in his head. He hardly even noticed when Liam took a seat beside him, tugging the paper gently from his hands to read it himself.

                “Harry … you alright?” Liam asked after a bit, handing the letter back, and Harry just shrugged. He didn’t know if he was ok or not. On one hand, that piece of paper was the one thing Harry had wanted for four years. Well, partly, he had wanted Louis back for most of that time, and he really wanted to know what the fuck had happened that caused the whole mess anyway, but he’d just really wanted an apology, and he had one. But on the other hand, he’d spent all this time, the last couple months especially, moving on and building up his courage and his strength, and if he let himself get sucked in by this lone letter, he might end up right back where he’d started.

                “So … umm, are you going to answer him?” Liam persisted, though his tone was careful. Harry took the letter, folded it back up, tucked it in its envelope, and stood up. Liam stared at him, but Harry didn’t pay him any attention. He walked slowly back to his room, pulled open the bottom drawer of his dresser, where all his old clothes were, and shoved the letter under them. He couldn’t look at it right now. It was too much.

                When he entered the kitchen again, Liam was flipping the eggs. Harry reached for the spatula and though Liam looked at him in concern, he didn’t say anything about the letter.

                “Well, I’ll leave the master to work his magic, then,” Liam joked, and Harry smiled slightly. Maybe if he just forgot about the letter for a bit, he’d been in a better mindset later to really think about it.

~

                Harry managed to make it through the whole week without thinking about the letter once. Work and constantly being around Liam and Niall kept him well occupied, and he was often so exhausted at night that he didn’t have time to think before he fell asleep, welcoming the relaxation it brought him.

                Just when Harry was starting to forget about it all together, however, another one arrived.

                Liam had gone out to get them breakfast since Harry had worked late the night before, and because Niall was joining them. When he came back in, however, Harry could tell that something was on his mind. It didn’t occur to him until Liam held his hand out, a letter between his fingers, and then it all came rushing back. Harry took it, but didn’t open it. He didn’t want to assume, but the handwriting on the outside of the letter was the same, he remembered it well.

                “What’s that, then?” Niall asked as he entered the kitchen, a bag in his hand.

                “It’s a letter,” Harry said tonelessly, his finger sliding hesitantly under the flap. Half of him wanted to rip it open and see what it said and the other half wanted it to remain a secret.

                “I know, you idiot. I mean from whom?”

                Harry shared a look with Liam and then hopped up on the counter, watching that he didn’t hit his head on the cabinet, and slid the letter out of the envelope, unfolding it gently.

                “What the fuck is going on?” Niall asked again, but Liam shushed him as Harry’s eyes scanned the words written on the paper.

 

_Harry,_

_The sun came out today. Rare in November. Beautiful day. Spoke to Niall the other night, said he was headed to yours for a Friends marathon. I used to have that theme song stuck in my head constantly *clap clap clap clap*. Hope you’re feeling good and waking up every morning with a smile. You deserve that and more._

_Louis_

 

                Harry bit his lip, trying to hold back a smile, but he couldn’t help it.

                _“Harry. Are you seriously watching Friends again?? Don’t you get tired of that show?”_

_Louis walked into the main room, rolling his eyes, but Harry just grinned and patted the couch next to him. “C’mon, Lou, come watch it with me.”_

_“Not like I haven’t seen it a thousand times already, but alright,” Louis sighed dramatically, flopping down next to Harry and kissing his neck gently. Harry giggled and then the theme song started. Harry sang along in the loudest possible yell._

_“So no one told you life was gonna be this way …”_

_When Harry clapped, Louis clapped too, and Harry kissed him in happiness._

_“You did the claps. You have to like it at least a little, admit it!”_

_“I like you, and that’s enough for me to do the claps,” Louis responded, and Harry felt his heart melt a little as he leaned in to kiss Louis again._

                “Harry, what did he say this time?”

                Harry jerked out of his memory and back to the present. Niall and Liam were standing in front of him, Liam looking curious and Niall still looking bewildered.

                “He … just wishing me well, that’s all,” Harry said softly, jumping down from the counter and walking towards his room. For some reason, he didn’t want to share this one with either of them. He wanted it to be just for him. As he stowed the letter with the first one, he realized that this was the first time he’d remembered something of his and Louis’ past without breaking down afterwards. Even with all the terrible things that had happened and all the love that had been lost, there were still memories that made him smile. Maybe he really was getting better.

~

                The letters came more frequently after that, every few days instead of once a week. Sometimes, they were just little quotes. Sometimes they were more apologies. Sometimes they were just accounts of what Louis had done that day, asking what Harry had done in return. And Harry had them all hidden in his bottom drawer, all of them unanswered.

                Harry wasn’t sure what it was about these letters, but with every one he got, he felt himself growing a little less angry and a little more curious. Of all things he could have done, why was Louis writing letters? He was obviously dropping them off himself, because none of them were post marked, so why didn’t he just come in and say this to Harry?

                “I think it’s just his way of trying to be friends again. He doesn’t know how to react around you in person, and just like you, he clams up. So he’s writing because he can say what he wants without saying the wrong thing,” Niall said to him one day when they were out for their lunch break. Harry thought over that, sipping the remaining broth from his bowl of soup.

                The thing was that Harry wanted to write back. Even after everything Louis had done, he’d come back and he’d eventually apologized. And though that didn’t really fix anything, Louis was attempting to do right by him. And in all honesty, Harry wanted to know why. Maybe they were both finally ready to actually talk about what happened.

Louis was making sure he didn’t cross any boundaries by writing letters instead of showing up in person, and as much as Harry hated to admit it, he almost missed Louis. He didn’t miss the pain Louis had caused him, but he missed Louis’ presence, his laugh and his jokes and the way he had fit so easily into all of their lives.

He still wasn’t completely on board with letting Louis back into his life, but he knew that, no matter what, he had Liam, and even Niall, who would make sure he was safe if anything were to happen.

                When Harry confessed all of this to Liam, Liam’s answer was simple. “If you truly feel this way, if you want to try, then you should write him back. That way, you don’t have to see him until you’re ready, and then you and Louis can just … talk and stuff.”

                So that’s exactly what Harry did. Two weeks before Christmas, he wrote his first letter to Louis, and it took him seven tries to get it right.

 

_Louis,_

_Today was crazy at work. I had flour in places it most definitely didn’t belong, but it was worth it to see the smiles on the customer’s faces. Niall talks about you often. He clearly misses you, you should hang out with him more. You won’t find a better friend anywhere, except for maybe Liam. I acknowledge your apology. Doesn’t mean I’m forgiving you, but you did apologize and that, for me at least, counts for something. I just want to know what happened. I think that might give me the closure I need. And if you’re up for that, I would be willing to meet and talk about it at some point. Don’t wanna rush it, though. I just need you to be honest with me._

_Harry_

                Harry ended up giving the letter to Niall, who was now in the loop about the whole letter thing. Since he didn’t know where Louis lived and didn’t fancy getting caught trying to sneak it into his mail box, he figured Niall would be willing to help him out.

                “Just … don’t read it, alright?” Harry pleaded as Niall took the letter from him. Niall rolled his eyes.

                “I may be close with Louis and you, but I have no desire to know what goes on in these letters. That’s between you and him.”

                Harry watched Niall leave and he took a deep breath. This was it.

~

_Harry,_

_I want to explain it all to you. Name the place and the time. I’ll be there. You deserve the truth._

_Louis_

 

                The next morning, Harry stared at the shortest letter Louis had ever sent him, and then looked up at Niall and Liam, who had read it over his shoulder.

                “I’ll go over to Niall’s tonight. You can do it here. No, listen,” Liam said as Harry started to protest, and Harry shut his mouth. “It’s good for you to be in a place that’s familiar to you. It will keep you calm and you’ll be able to think more clearly. Trust me, it’s for the best.”

                Niall nodded in agreement and shoved paper and a pen into Harry’s hands. “Write him back now and I’ll run it to him at work. He has the morning shift today.”

                Harry swallowed hard, barely believing what he was about to do, but it was high time he learned the truth of what had happened between them.

 

_Louis,_

_Tonight, my apartment. I expect nothing but the truth from you._

_Harry_

~

                As the day wore on, Harry’s anxiety increased to a level he hadn’t experienced in months. His hands were shaking slightly no matter what he was doing, but he tried to keep busy anyway. He cleaned the entire apartment from floor to ceiling … twice. He washed all the dishes by hand, and he stressed baked about five dozen chocolate chip cookies, but nothing could keep his mind off of what was about to happen here tonight.

                Louis was going to be in his apartment for the first time since Harry had attacked him. It would be the first time they would be properly alone together since that night four years ago. Harry was going to know exactly what had happened that had sent him into the worst years of his life, and he wasn’t sure if he was truly ready. Sometimes ignorance was bliss, but Harry just wanted the truth.

                Liam and Niall left about ten minutes before Louis was due to arrive, according to the text he’d sent Niall. Niall headed out to get the car, but Liam stayed back, holding Harry by the arm.

                “Listen, Harry … if he makes you feel uncomfortable, if you feel like you need someone, please call me. I’ll be home in an instant. I’d stay here and hide away in my room but … this is something that should be private. Just be careful, alright? You’re strong. You can do this.”

                Harry nodded, chewing on his already tender bottom lip and pulled Liam in for a quick hug. He felt a sense of calm wash over him. Liam was right. He was strong. Liam gave him a smile and hurried to join Niall, leaving Harry in the apartment by himself.

                Harry closed the door and walked into the main room, sitting down on the couch and just staring at the blank TV. He pressed his hands between his knees to stop the shaking, but his throat felt tight and he felt a bit light headed. He had to relax. He could do this.

                A sudden, quiet knock on the door made Harry jump, his heart in his throat. This was it. Louis was here. He was about to find out the truth. He stood and made his way to the door slowly. He reached out with a trembling hand and opened the door.

                On his threshold stood Louis. He looked the same as he always had, feathery hair swept across his forehead, bright blue eyes, and cheekbones that could cut glass, and that was just his face. But Harry didn’t dare look at any other part of him. He already felt like he was going to be sick.

                “Hey,” he managed to say, his voice stuck in his throat.

                “Hey,” Louis said, looking at the ground and rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet.

                “Oh … right, come in, then, please,” Harry said, flustered, and Louis carefully walked past Harry and into his apartment. Harry shut the door behind himself, the click of it sounding much louder in his mind.

                “Umm … do you want something to drink?” Harry asked, trying to compose himself and be a good house guest, but Louis shook his head, shoving his hands in his pockets.

                “Nah, I’m ok. Thank you, though.”

                They stood there for a few moments, their eyes flicking to each other awkwardly. Harry didn’t know where to start, but it was Louis who had come here to explain himself.

                “Wanna take a seat, then?”

                Louis’ head jerked up and he looked nervous, but he nodded and Harry led the way to his couch, settling on the very edge of the cushion. Louis did the same, though on the other side of the couch, and they sat there until the silence was almost unbearable. Harry could feel his heart rate quickening the longer they sat there. He needed to get this over with quickly before he panicked. He didn’t think he could handle it if he had only Louis to help him through it.

                “So …” Harry said, just as Louis started talking, and Harry stopped speaking at once. Louis cleared his throat and started again.

                “Harry, I … I don’t even know how to start this. I just … you have to understand how sorry I am. I didn’t … what I did was – fuck, I don’t know how to explain this.” Louis’ hands were twisting together in his lap, his eyes trained to the floor, and his voice shook slightly as he continued to speak. “I, umm, I had a gay crisis.”

                Harry sucked in a breath, his heart feeling like it was tearing in two all over again. He had no idea why he thought this was a good plan – he was seriously starting to regret it, but Louis was still talking and he needed to listen.

                “I just wanted to get some water and I came out and saw all of our pictures, our perfect little life, and everything just hit me all at once and I panicked. In that moment, for some god forsaken reason, I believed every hurtful word and insult that had ever been thrown at me and I couldn’t … I lost control of myself. And you had always been so sweet to me … no one has ever treated me as kindly as you did, Hazza.”

                Harry’s hands tightened on his knees at Louis’ praise. Where he might have preened at Louis’ words once, now he just felt like crying. Louis’ eyes looked glassy too, but he was composed, taking in another breath before continuing.

                “But I saw you and every cell of my body was screaming at me to get away from you and I … I listened. I let those fears crawl under my skin and I just snapped. I had no right to speak to you the way I did, but I couldn’t stop. The voices of my mother and my friends and my teachers and everyone were all screaming in my head and I just wanted to make it stop, and in the process of saving myself, I hurt the one person I cared most about.” Louis’ voice cracked on his last few words, his lips pressing together in an effort not to cry.

                Harry couldn’t keep his tears at bay any longer. They coursed down his cheeks, his heart aching and his breaths becoming labored. Flashes of that night kept coming back to him as Louis fought to keep his composure, wiping furiously at his eyes and sniffing.

                “Harry, I … I should have come back the moment I left. I didn’t mean any of those things I said to you. You’re beautiful, you’re wonderful, and you deserve the entire fucking world, ok? You were always the one person that could calm me down, the one person that made me feel like I was an actual person and not the shell of one. The one person who made me feel proud to be who I am. And I … I fucking left you there …”

                Louis was crying now too, and Harry, through his blurred vision, saw Louis reach out towards him.

                “Harry, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for everything. You deserve better than me, but I just want to get back to a place where we can be friends. I can’t not have you in my life. It’s selfish and I don’t deserve it, but I have to ask. I have to say that I tried.”

                His warm hand touched Harry’s wrist and Harry yanked his hand away, pushing himself as far away from Louis as possible. He couldn’t do this – this was a huge mistake.

                “I c-can’t … I …” Harry stumbled to his feet, not really knowing where he was going, but just knowing that he couldn’t be near Louis, not now. His emotions were too conflicted. He needed space, he needed to think, he needed to fucking breathe.

                Out in the hallway, he sucked in lungfuls of air, leaning against the wall as he tried to get ahold of himself. Louis’ words kept ringing in his ears, odd little lines just cropping up in no particular order. _Harry, I … I should have come back the moment I left … I had a gay crisis … I hurt the one person I cared most about … Harry, I’m so sorry …_

                Harry couldn’t breathe. Half of him wanted to go back in there and kill Louis for not just talking to him after it happened, and the other half desperately wanted to forgive him and move past this. But he was torn, and he sank to his knees, huddled against the wall as he struggled to stop shaking.

~

                Louis felt useless, completely useless, as he watched Harry back away from him and run into the hall. His tears fell with increasing intensity as he realized how truly fucked he was. He’d been a right idiot four years ago – he’d left the love of his life for one night of doubt and terrifying memories, and he’d broken Harry beyond repair. He could never forgive himself for that, no matter how many times he apologized. But more than anything, he just wanted Harry to be ok. He wanted them to be ok. He wanted Harry back in his life, no matter the cost.

                Louis wiped away his tears furiously and stood up. He had to go after him. He’d left him alone and broken once, and he did not intend to ever let that happen again. He hurried into the hallway, staring left and right. No one was there, and for one moment, Louis thinks he’s gone, and feels some of the crushing emotion that Harry must have felt on that night all those years ago. But then he could hear anguished sobbing coming from around the corner, and he practically sprinted up the hall, turning to find Harry curled in a ball on the floor. Louis felt his throat close up as fresh tears made their way down his cheeks, and he knelt down, putting a gentle hand on Harry. Harry flinched and looked up at Louis with fearful eyes. Louis hated that Harry now looked at him like that, when once he’d looked at him with adoration, but he only had himself to blame.

                “Harry, I …” Louis took a step back, his hands pulling at his hair in frustration, tears still streaming down his face. “I can’t go on without you, yeah? I need you in my life some way, somehow. I’m not letting you go again. That was the biggest mistake of my life and I know you’ll never forgive me, but I just … I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, and I’ll never stop saying it.”

~

                Harry felt like he was breaking all over again, except this time, Louis was still there, still speaking to him, and crying along with him. But this time, instead of wanting to be as far away from Louis as possible, he felt like he was being pulled towards him. He wanted Louis to comfort him, and he wanted to comfort Louis in return. It had been a long time since he’d felt this kind of connection, especially concerning Louis.

                Harry’s heart was beating out of his chest, and he looked at Louis, really looked at him, for the first time since Louis had left. He took him in, his red, puffy eyes, still blue as ever, his wet eyelashes, his soft hair and his cheekbones highlighted by the tears on his cheeks. Louis’ hands were still twisting together, anxiety written in every action, and suddenly, Harry couldn’t look away. Through his own tear-filled eyes, he could see the boy, the man now, that he’d fallen in love with all those years ago.

                Harry didn’t know what to do, but his body knew what he needed and acted instinctively. He stood up, took a few tentative steps towards Louis, and then threw himself into his arms, sobbing into his shoulder. Louis seemed to freeze for a moment before realizing that Harry wasn’t attacking him, and then pulled him close. Harry could feel Louis’ shirt soaking up his tears, hear his heart hammering inside his chest, but all he cared about was the fact that Louis had come after him. He’d come back, after everything they’d been through.

                Louis was holding Harry tightly, speaking soft, broken words in his ear, and Harry was overwhelmed. He pulled away slightly trying to dry his face. Louis lifted a hand and gently brushed Harry’s curls away from his eyes, wiping the tears away with his thumb. Harry felt a sense of calm settle over him as he stared into Louis’ eyes. Those blue eyes had always been a source of serenity and love and safety for him, and the longer he stared, the easier his breath came, until he was just a trembling mass of limbs in Louis’ arms.

                Louis’ eyes flickered for a moment down to Harry’s lips before looking back into his eyes, and Harry swallowed. He could feel the tension between them, like a wire pulled as tightly as it would go. They both just stared at each other, no sound other than their breathing, and then it happened. Harry leaned forward that extra inch and brushed his lips against Louis’.

                The wire snapped and Louis’ arms tightened around Harry, pulling him in for a deeper kiss, and suddenly everything in Harry’s life fell back into place. Louis’ lips were just as soft as he remembered them, the taste of mint still there, as it always had been.

                Harry pulled away, leaning his forehead against Louis’, and closed his eyes, trying to process everything that had happened in the past fifteen minutes. It was a lot to take in.

                Louis pulled Harry into a hug, just holding their bodies together, and pressed his lips to Harry’s temple. “I … well …”

                Harry just nodded, not knowing what to say. His mind was racing … he wanted to kiss Louis again, but they couldn’t just sit here. He wanted to be alone with Louis, just Louis, in the safety of his home.

                Harry struggled to regain his breath, still feeling a bit weak at the knees, and Louis stood up with him, keeping a hand out to steady him. Harry moved closer to Louis, craving his warmth, actually wanting to be close to him, and Louis aligned his body to Harry's. It was as if no time had passed from when they were kids; their skin lighting up, heartbeats in sync, and then suddenly their lips were crashing together.

Louis lips were hard this time, insistent, as they slotted between Harry's, and Harry groaned slightly against Louis’ mouth. Harry was practically melting into him, intoxicated, and shivers ran down his spine as he felt Louis’ tongue parting his soft plush lips. Harry allowed this, opening his mouth and running his fingers through Louis’ hair, his body on fire, feeling more alive than he had in years.

                “We … we should … apartment …” Harry whispered, wanting nothing more than to kiss Louis right here and right now and never stop.

                “Yeah … c’mon, Hazza,” Louis said, softly, offering his hand to Harry. Harry, for the first time in ages, didn’t hesitate at all, but rather gripped Louis’ hand tightly as Louis led him back to his own apartment. Harry let him, his whole arm tingling with the feeling of Louis’ fingers linked with his own.

                They reached the apartment and walked in through the still open door, closing it behind them. Their hands dropped and Harry moved towards his couch, just needing to sit down and process all of this. Louis sat down right next to him, a warm hand on his thigh, and Harry looked up into his bright eyes, seeing something almost like hope.

                “What are you aiming for, Tomlinson?” Harry teased, a slight smile playing around his lips, and Louis smirked.

                “Well, I wouldn’t mind testing to see if you’ve been applying your daily chapstick,” Louis answered, and Harry let out a bark of laughter that most certainly hadn’t come out of his mouth since he and Louis had been together.

                “That might just be the stupidest thing you’ve ever said,” Harry said, still giggling and feeling lighter than he had in years. Louis just grinned and cupped the back of Harry’s neck, his fingers playing with the baby curls at the base of his neck. Harry felt warmth spreading through him and he leaned in to Louis, kissing him again.

                It felt right. Everything that he’d been missing the last four years was slowly mending itself as Harry explored Louis’ mouth with his tongue. He couldn’t get enough of Louis’ soft lips and his gentle fingers. Every tug on his curls elicited a moan from Harry, unable to keep his noises inside, and they only seemed to spur Louis on.

                “Oh … oh, god, Lou …” Harry mumbled into Louis’ mouth, practically moving into his lap as he tried to get closer to Louis, needing him, craving him. Louis pulled him in tightly, moaning into his mouth and kissing him harder.

                And then it all hit him at once. Everything. All the emotions he’d held back the last four years, the amount of pain and forgiveness that had happened in the last twenty minutes alone, and all the longing and pining for something he thought would never return. Harry gasped, feeling tears tracing his cheeks, but there was nothing he could do to stop them, and when he pulled away from Louis, he saw that Louis was crying too.

                “I … I’m sorry, Harry. Fuck, I’m so sorry,” Louis whispered, sniffing and wiping at his eyes. Harry gave a watery chuckle and tried to wipe Louis’ tears away himself.

                “I missed you, Lou. I missed you more than I’ve ever missed anyone.”

                Louis’ sobs doubled at Harry’s words, which did nothing to help Harry calm down. They just sat there, foreheads pressed together as they cried, but Harry found that he didn’t mind much. There was a lot of unresolved shit between them, but crying together somehow made him feel better, almost like their tears together were the only things that could mend their shattered hearts. He had someone to hold on to, the one person he had been secretly craving

                Louis pulled him close and Harry put his head on Louis’ shoulder, his body shaking with the force of his sobs, and they just sat there, curled around each other as they calmed down. Eventually, they fell asleep right there, just like they used to. It wasn’t perfect, but it was a start.

                And for the first time in 4 years, Harry wanted to fall asleep.

~

                “I know we said we were taking it slow, but I think I’m ready, and I just don’t know how to tell him,” Harry whined as he paced the kitchen. Liam, who had been just about to dig into a giant bowl of pasta, made a face and pushed it away from him.

                “Seriously, Haz, if it’s bothering you, go talk to him. I’m sure he’s just as eager as you, if not more so, if Niall is to be believed.”

                Niall popped up from the couch, bleary eyed and still looking hungover as fuck. “You better tell him, and then tell us when you’re going to tell him, because let me tell you, the moment those words are out of your mouth, he’s going to jump you. And I for one do not want to be here for that.”

                “Agreed, just hearing you talk about it is making me want to throw up,” Liam said, his smile growing as Harry threw a piece of his bagel at him.

                Harry and Louis had been testing the waters out again for about a month, both agreeing on taking it slow after the disastrous ending of last time. They both wanted to do right by each other, and Harry was ok with that. But over the last month, he’d been happier and more well rested than he had ever been in his life, and right now, he was almost constantly hard at the thought of Louis. In other words, he needed to get fucked right here and right now before he exploded.

                “Ok, alright. I’ll invite him over here tonight. But you guys better get out of here. Don’t want to ruin your nights with our sexual adventures,” Harry grinned, and Liam and Niall both stood at that moment, making to leave. Harry waved off their words of disgust and pulled out his phone, texting Louis.

 **Harry:** _Tonight, my place. Wanna spend some time with you, just you. You up for it?_

                Less than a minute later, he had a response, and both Liam and Niall made fake retching noises at the fond look on Harry’s face.

 **Louis:** _Most definitely 100% yes. Always up for seeing you, Harold._

                “You two are disgusting, you know that?” Niall said as he stood again, grabbing his shoes and his wallet. Harry shrugged and texted Louis back a heart emoji followed by a winky face.

                “Well, that’s our cue to leave. Just wash the sheets, alright? No evidence.”

                Harry rolled his eyes but smiled in spite of himself. “Yeah, yeah, alright.”

                They said their goodbyes and Harry then ran around the house, gathering all the candles he could find and the most romantic CD he had in his collection. He knew it was completely cheesy, but if this was really going to happen, he wanted it to be perfect.

                By the time Harry had the apartment presentable, it was almost eight in the evening and he had just gotten a text from Louis saying he was on his way up. Harry tugged on one of his longer curls nervously, opening the door as Louis was knocking on it.

                “Wow, eager to see me, are we?” Louis said with a laugh, and Harry just tugged him into the apartment, kissing him hello. Louis pecked his lips a few times before looking around and finally seeing the apartment. His mouth dropped open slightly as he walked through the kitchen and into the main room.

                The candlelight made the room have a soft glow and Harry moved into the middle of the room, hands behind his back nervously as he observed Louis’ reaction. Louis looked around the room, turning in a full circle before looking at Harry again, and Harry could swear that his eyes were glassy.

                “You did all this for me?”

                Harry nodded, blushing bashfully. “I … I just wanted it to be perfect. Not trying to like … imply anything, but I, umm, you know …” He trailed off hopelessly, but it didn’t matter, because Louis was moving across the room to him quickly, pulling him in and kissing him forcefully.

                “I’ve been waiting for weeks, Hazza. Just wanted you to be comfortable with it. Are you sure?”

                Louis’ voice was tentative, sincere, and it just turned Harry on that much more. “Yes, Lou, yes, I want this. I want everything with you. I … I love you.”

                Harry hadn’t expected to say that so soon, but he couldn’t help it. He’d never been good at hiding his feelings, especially from Louis. Louis smiled softly back at Harry as he reached up to push Harry’s hair away from his face.

                “I love you too. Always have, always will, baby.”

                Harry’s smile was so big that he could barely kiss properly when Louis’ lips next touched his. They fell into a tangled heap onto the couch, kissing and letting their hands wander over each other’s bodies, relearning every curve and line and bone, and Harry’s mind got lost in the soft music and the candlelight and in Louis. His Louis.

Harry’s mind, and his heart, were finally at peace.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and Kudos would be amazing, tell me what you think!


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